


Fear of the Dark  Part Two

by orphan_account



Series: Fear of the Dark [2]
Category: Iron Maiden (Band)
Genre: A.U., Bandslash, Heavy Metal, M/M, Male Slash, Musicians, Rock Stars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 11:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17385338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After awakening in the hospital, can Bruce rise above the obstacles and successfully begin the next chapter of his life?





	Fear of the Dark  Part Two

Part Two  
Chapter One

 

  
Bruce became aware of his surroundings so gradually he thought he was dreaming. He heard sounds he didn’t recognize and there were smells he thought he should know but he couldn’t focus well enough to identify them. He drifted in and out and after a time things became less dreamlike. There was a warmth surrounding his hand that he couldn’t quite figure out, but try as he might he couldn’t open his eyes for a long time. The warmth comforted him, it was a constant amid vague dreams and visions, something solid to anchor him.

When he was finally aware enough to open his eyes he saw only white. With an effort he turned his head and realized that the white was a ceiling. The warmth surrounding his hand was still there and there was a softness there too. He turned his head further and saw gold. His mind flashed back to the night when he’d passed out drunk in the park and been awakened by a golden-haired figure he’d thought was a Christmas angel. Long golden hair fell across his arm and two hands clasped his hand. The angel was back again.

“An angel…..I must have died.” He whispered hoarsely.

The blond head snapped up upon hearing his voice and two gray eyes fixed on him. “Bruce!” 

It was just a whisper, but when he heard that voice Bruce became fully conscious. Janick sat at the edge of his hospital bed clasping both his hands around Bruce’s. Bruce stared, his mind slow in comprehending. “What happened? Jan, you’re here…..”

Jan’s eyes brimmed with tears. “Of course I’m here, I’ll always be here for you.” Jan’s voice choked up, “God, Bruce, I was so scared…”

“Wh….what happened? I don’t remember much?”

“Shh, I’ll tell you later.” Jan raised one hand and brushed Bruce’s long hair back from his face. “You need to rest.”

“I can’t rest, I have to know what happened!” Bruce made to reach out, but he couldn’t, his arm and shoulder were immobilized by a cast. “Why am I all wrapped up in bandages?”

Jan was smiling even though his face was damp with tears, “If I tell you, will you promise to try to relax?”

“Yeah…I guess.” Bruce’s head fell back to the pillow. He felt exhausted and his mind was fuzzy. He wrapped his fingers around Jan’s.

“You’ve been hurt, Bruce. A drug dealer called Turk stabbed you. You’ve been asleep for almost two days. You had to have a transfusion, you…lost a lot of blood.” Jan’s voice faltered again, and he took a shaky breath. “You’re in a hospital. That’s enough for now. I’ll tell you more after, okay?”

Bruce fought against falling asleep again, “Why are you here?” 

“I’m here because I love you, Bruce.” Jan’s voice was still broken, but the words were soft.

“I'm.... I'm glad." Bruce felt himself drifting off.

 

The next time Bruce woke up he was much more alert. The lights in the room were dimmed and he heard the quiet hum of activity coming through the open door. He recognized the sounds with a pang, they were the sounds of a hospital. It took him back to the terrible days when his mother was dying, and he turned his mind away from those memories, opening his eyes. At first he thought he was alone in the room then he saw a figure he didn’t immediately recognize sitting in a chair reading a book.

“Louise?” He couldn’t figure out why Jan’s mother would be there.

She looked up, then put her book down and came over to the bed, smiling down at him. “It’s good to see you awake and alert. Jan said you were pretty out of it earlier.”

“So he really was here? I thought I dreamed it. Where is he?”

“I made him go home and get some sleep. He’s been here for two days, ever since we heard you were here. The only way I could get him to go home and rest was by promising him I’d stay here with you.”

Bruce tried to sit up and Louise gently pushed him back down, instead pressing the button that elevated the head of the bed.  
“I still don’t know what happened.” He hated the feeling of confusion.

“You’re on some pretty heavy medication, Bruce. It will all come back to you soon enough.”

Bruce was quiet for a minute. “Jan was here with me for two days” he finally said, almost as if to himself.

“He wouldn’t leave your bedside. He was frantic when I told him you were hurt. It’s …it’s been a rough time for him. He only came out of his room to eat, then he would go back up there and play music all hours of the day and night. Such sad music! I can see it’s been rough for you, too. You two shouldn’t be apart, neither of you can function without the other!”

“I don’t want to be apart from him, I never want to be apart from him!” Bruce said earnestly. “He’s just…. just so afraid of getting hurt again.” He raised his eyes to lock onto Louise’s. “I would never hurt him! I didn’t mean to hurt him this time, it was an accident, a misunderstanding!”

Bruce was getting agitated and Louise put her hand on his shoulder again. “Bruce don’t get yourself too excited. It will all work out, I’m sure of it. You two need to talk, really talk.”

“I tried to talk to him, he wouldn’t listen.” Bruce said in defeat.

“I think he will listen now. When….,” Louise sat in the same chair Jan had been sitting in, drawn close to the edge of the bed, “when he heard what happened to you he broke down crying, he kept saying ‘it happened again, it’s too late now!’ He kept repeating that he’d been selfish, that he should have listened to you and believed you. He thought you were going to die, Bruce!”

Bruce lay for a moment, his heart twisting inside of him when he thought of Jan going through that kind of anguish. A question kept niggling away at the back of his mind. “How did you find out what happened to me?”

“Oh Bruce, it was all over the newspapers! ‘Drug ring broken, local citizen stabbed while working with police.’ It said you helped capture this Turk fellow, that he pulled a gun on the police and you knocked him down, making him drop it. You’re a hero, Bruce!”

Bruce managed to laugh a little. “Me, a hero!? I’m not even a local citizen, let alone a hero!”

“Not a local citizen? You live here, you have a job here. That makes you a local citizen.”

It took a minute for that to sink into Bruce’s brain. It never occurred to him that he would ever be a citizen of any particular town, a permanent resident, but Louise was right. He was putting down roots here, something he never imagined he would do.

Just then a nurse entered the room. “You’re awake!” she seemed surprised. “Are you in any pain?”

Bruce had to think, he’d been so focused on his conversation with Louise he’d been ignoring the constant ache in his shoulder. “A little, I guess.”

“No surprise, that!” the woman said in her brisk way. “You’ve had a very deep wound, there was some damage to the muscle. Doctor will explain your condition when he gets here in a few hours but as for now I’m going to give you something for the pain that will help you sleep.”

Bruce didn’t argue with her. Now that he was aware of it, the deep throb in his shoulder was quite painful. Soon after he ingested the tablet she gave him, he fell into a deep sleep.

Bruce was awakened gently by a soft, cool touch to the forehead. He opened his eyes to see Jan rising after having leaned to kiss him. He reached for him, forgetting his injury, and was brought up short. Jan put his hands on his shoulders gently.

“Don’t try to move, you’ll tear your stitches.”

He lay back but kept his eyes on Jan. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Jan sat in the chair, pulling it up as close as possible to the bed. “Of course I’m here. Bruce…. I have to apologize to you. I hope you can forgive me.” Jan’s voice fell to a whisper and his eyes were suspiciously moist.

“There isn’t anything to apologize for, Jan. There’s nothing to forgive you for.”

Jan was shaking his head, “I turned my back on you! I was being stupid and selfish!”

“Stop that!” Bruce fumbled for the button and raised the head of the bed until he could look at Jan face to face. “Stop talking like that, you weren’t stupid! After what you thought you saw, no one can blame you for distancing yourself from me, especially in view of…. ” Bruce trailed off.

Jan was quiet for a moment, looking down at where he held Bruce’s hand in his own, then he raised his eyes, his words soft. “There was another article in this morning’s paper. It said that in addition to the drug charges, Turk is connected to at least four murders. They listed the men he’s suspected of killing. Did you do this because you heard he might have killed Gerard?”

Bruce nodded. “Partly, yes. And partly because I don’t want that kind of people here. I want to build a new life away from all that. A new life with you!” He fell quite for a moment, then continued in a subdued voice. “Ever since I met you I’ve been finding myself thinking crazy things. Thinking about buying a car and maybe a house, even adopting a kid. I know they’re only crazy daydreams but they’re so far from anything I ever imagined I would be thinking about…”

Tears formed in Jan's gray eyes and he broke in, "There isn’t anything crazy about thinking those things! I’ve caught myself thinking about stuff like that, about being with you for the rest of my life, about growing old with you. I tried not to think like that, I knew it would just make it hurt worse when everything fell apart, but I couldn’t help myself."

"Jan," Bruce felt himself choke up, "I have to make you understand that it isn’t going to fall apart! I want to be with you no matter what else happens in our lives!”

Jan looked at him for a long minute, his expression intense and intimate. Then he moved closer and leaned over Bruce, their lips touching softly. Bruce reached up with his good arm and cupped Jan’s face, feeling his cheek damp with tears.

“When I get out of here….will you come back to the apartment?” he asked, losing himself in eyes the color of storm clouds.

“Of course I will,” Jan smiled tremulously. “It’s our home! I’ve been thinking a lot over the past couple of weeks and I realized that I have to move on with life, you know? Start playing music again, start enjoying life again. I deserve to be happy, Bruce, and you make me happy! I’m not going to let anything stand in the way of that.”

 

Chapter Two

 

Bruce spent the next three days in hospital, his wound carefully monitored until they were certain there would be no infection. His doctor told him that Turk’s wild knife swing had ripped a jagged gash through the muscle of his shoulder right beneath his collar bone and that he would have to undergo physical therapy to regain full use of the arm, but because he was young and strong there would be no permanent damage. Bruce was worried about losing his new-found job but on one of her visits to the hospital Louise told him that she contacted his employer and that, given the fact he was injured while working with the police and was being regarded as a hero of sorts, his job would be there for him when he was physically able to return. Jan was on a leave of absence from his job at the music store. As owner of the store, Johnny had told him to take all the time he needed once he found out what happened. The shelter had to find another volunteer to take his time slot. Bruce came first in Jan’s priorities.

Inspector Gregory came to see Bruce the day before he was allowed to go home. Jan was there, Jan was constantly there except for a few hours each night when Bruce insisted he go home and sleep, so the inspector filled them both in on what happened after Bruce lost consciousness. Turk was tackled, and the knife was taken but he still resisted to the point where a taser had to be used to subdue him. He was being held on a long list of charges from drug trafficking and resisting arrest to suspicion of murder. Most of his local accomplices had been captured as they exited the crack house the night of the police raid.

“Oh, and Mal Pierce came forward after reading about it in the paper, he’s agreed to give a full statement about everything he knows or has heard about Turk.” 

"So you were already surrounding the house before they started running out?" Bruce asked, trying to get the whole picture of events

 

“We were monitoring your transceiver and as soon as we heard they’d learned about our capture of their big boss we knew we had to move in immediately. It would have gone a lot worse if you hadn’t made Turk drop his gun, Bruce. Someone could have been killed. I wish we had been a few seconds faster and prevented your being injured. Needless to say, we will compensate you for your injury.”

 

“I don’t need any compensation.” Bruce shook his head. “I wasn’t helping you out of some sense of civic duty, I was only looking out for my own interests.”

“Nevertheless, you sustained an injury while working as a police informant. You’ll be off work for a while and need something to cover your expenses. It’s our standard practice.” The inspector stood then to leave the hospital room, then turned back to look at them. “Mal tells me you are musicians. Maybe this time off will give you a chance to work on your music. He seemed to think very highly of both of you.” 

After he left Jan looked at Bruce. “When I called to ask him for time off Johnny said he’s finished tweaking your demo’s. He thinks they’re strong enough to easily get you some work at clubs around the region. He also said Nicko called him a couple of times looking for drumming jobs so if you want to pursue this when you’ve recovered it looks like we have a drummer.”

Bruce suddenly remembered Dave and H and their friend Steve and told Jan about them. “I haven’t heard any of them play but it’s something to keep in mind.”

Jan looked thoughtful. “Is Steve’s last name Harris?” 

Bruce shrugged, wincing a bit as he did “No idea. I only talked to him for a minute and at the time music was the furthest thing from my mind. He’s a bartender at a pub near the warehouse where I work. About our age, long brown hair. Quiet spoken. Said he’s a bassist.”

Jan was nodding “It sounds like Steve Harris. He was in a band down in London before he moved up here. They were good, especially him. The first thing to focus on, though, is getting you back on your feet.”

“I’d rather get you on your back!” Bruce said in a suggestive voice, making Jan laugh out loud.

“I’d rather you did, too, but that can wait a while.”

“Not long, hopefully.” Bruce muttered. In spite of his medications and the almost constant throbbing in his shoulder, just the idea of making love with Jan again was making his heart beat faster.

Louise drove Bruce home after he was discharged the next morning and before she left them she asked both of them to promise to call her if they needed anything, even if it was just a ride to the grocery store. Bruce was to start physical rehabilitation twice a week and she insisted on driving him in spite of his protests that he could easily take the bus.

“Nonsense! I have a car and all the time in the world. I’ll be here to pick you up for every appointment, so no arguments!”

Louise left the flat after a few minutes. Jan and Bruce stood awkwardly for a moment and for the first time Bruce noticed that there had been some changes. The plain couch now had two decorative pillows and was covered by a colorful throw. A matching throw covered the chair and as Bruce turned he noticed curtains on the window where there had been only blinds.

“Wow. You’ve been busy!”

Jan gave a sheepish half shrug. “You and Mum would make me go home from the hospital but I still couldn’t sleep so I brightened the place up a bit.”

“I love it,” Bruce stepped over to Jan, “and I love you!" He stepped up to Jan and slid his uninjured arm around him, pulling him close. Jan circled both arms around Bruce, being careful of his injury, and they stood there holding one another for a minute. Bruce sat on the couch and pulled Jan down next to him. “I’ve been thinking about you constantly, “ Bruce said, looking at their clasped hands. “Thinking about what we could do if we were together. I don’t mean just sex,” he hastened to add, “I mean everything. Sitting like this, working on music together, watching TV together. Anything, just as long as we’re together. I…I thought I lost you, Jan.” he raised his eyes to meet Jan’s.

“I know.” Jan said quietly, “I know I should have called you. I needed some time to figure things out, to figure out why every time I saw you leave for work I found myself wondering if you were going to come back. I was going through every day with that in the back of my mind ever since we got together so when I saw you in front of The Royal Arrow with that Tam bloke it was like it confirmed what I’d been afraid of all along.”

Bruce felt his heart constrict; he’d had no idea Jan’s fears had been that serious but he really couldn’t blame him for thinking that way. 

“But that’s no excuse,” Jan continued, looking Bruce straight in the eye. “There’s no excuse for me refusing to listen to you when you tried to explain. I’m really sorry, Bruce. I’ll never turn my back on you again.”

Bruce reached up with his left hand and softly cupped Jan’s face, “I’ll never deliberately hurt you, Janick. I know it’ll take time for you to believe that, but that’s okay because I’ll be here.”

The two of them spent the remainder of the day relaxing together and talking. Jan only had an older acoustic to play at his mother’s so he was glad to have access to his prized Strat again and Bruce insisted he play something for him. The song Jan played was plaintive and slow, the notes drawn out and almost mournful and when he finished Bruce couldn’t speak for a moment.

“That was beautiful! I didn’t recognize it, though.”

“You wouldn’t, “ Jan smiled, putting the guitar back on its stand. “I just wrote it last week.”

Bruce remembered Louise saying Jan had spent most of their time apart up in his room playing sad music and his heart twisted at what Jan must have been thinking to have written such a melancholy piece. “I think you should play something more upbeat now. Will you?”

Jan smiled and picked the instrument back up, thinking for a moment, then he launched into Ted Nugent’s Stranglehold. The amp wasn’t even turned up halfway but the notes still tore flawlessly through the apartment, and without really thinking about it Bruce started singing. Jan looked over and grinned at him and when they finished that they did the same thing with the old Deep purple song Hush. From there they played around singing partial songs and throwing suggestions at one another, laughing and feeling the warmth connecting them that Bruce had been afraid he would never know again. 

At bedtime Bruce took his prescribed pain medication and crawled into bed next to Jan who was sitting against the headboard jotting something on a notepad.

“What are you doing?” Bruce leaned to look over his shoulder at Jan’s backward-leaning scrawl. He’d had to switch sides of the bed with Jan in order to have Jan on his uninjured side.

“Making a list of songs we both know already and trying to think of some we should learn.” He put the notepad aside on the nightstand and scooted down next to Bruce who immediately moved in to kiss him. 

“I’ve been dying to have you in bed with me again and now that I do I can’t even properly put my arms around you.” he sighed regretfully.

“That’s okay, I’ll put mine around you,” Jan slid his arm carefully around Bruce’s waist, laying his head on his shoulder. “Does your arm hurt?” he asked softly.

“Not really. It ached a little but now the meds are kicking in.” he pressed a soft kiss to the top of Jan’s head and Jan raised his eyes to look at him. Bruce took that opportunity to kiss his lips and Jan responded instantly, the kiss taking on an intensity that neither of them intended.  
They parted slowly, Bruce lingering on Jan's lips as long as possible. He missed this closeness and the sweet taste of Jan so much it made his heart ache. "God, I want to make love with you so badly!" he breathed.

Jan's hand was stroking up across Bruce's hairy belly but he looked into Bruce's eyes cautiously "Are you're sure you're up to it?"

Bruce chuckled "Oh, I'm up all right!"

"Lie back, then," Jan kissed him, letting his lips travel across Bruce's face and jaw, "let me do all the work, okay?'

Bruce’s working hand was on Jan's back, "I don't know if I can just lie here, I want to touch you!"

Jan rose to his knees, leaning over Bruce, "You are touching me, but as long as you have stitches I'm not going to let you move around much," he grinned, "and I know how you get, you can be pretty active when we get going!"

Bruce lay back but as he felt Jan begin to kiss him, slowly moving down to his neck and shoulders and he groaned in frustration, the need to reach out and touch his blonde lover was driving him insane. He used his one hand to stroke Jan's hair, letting the silky strands filter through his fingers. The feel of Jan's lips and tongue trailing down his chest was making his head spin, his groans blended with Jan's contented sighs as he stopped and gave each nipple careful, meticulous attention. Bruce was moving restlessly, urging Jan on, feeling the sharp nip of teeth as Jan sucked kisses onto his stomach and his fingers tightened in the long blonde hair draping over his skin.

“Mmm….I missed the taste of you,” Jan murmured, his tongue running down Bruce’s hip and across the top of his thigh but not touching his erection, teasing him. He repeated the action and Bruce felt as though the feeling of Jan’s breath on him alone could make him come.

“I…may not last long!” he moaned as Jan got nearer and nearer to where he desperately needed his touch. Upon hearing that, Jan slowed down even further, letting his tongue flicker lightly over Bruce’s balls as his fingers traced up his length, not gripping but merely trailing across. He suddenly took one testicle into his mouth and Bruce made a sound he didn’t know he was capable of making until that moment. He heard Jan giggle a little around him then without warning Jan closed his mouth over Bruce’s shaft, taking him in almost completely all at once.

Bruce felt as though every nerve in his body was intensified with Jan’s slightest touch, every move of his tongue bringing him closer and closer to the brink.

“Ohhh, God!” he gasped. “I’ve got to be inside you. I’ve got to feel you all around me now!”

In response, Jan moved back up Bruce’s body, capturing his lips with a deep, almost desperate kiss. Janick’s breathing was rapid and ragged, his face a mask of pure desire as he reached blindly into the drawer of the bedside stand. Bruce had to literally grit his teeth as Jan applied the lube, he felt he would surely climax at Jan’s touch, then Jan lowered himself onto him. Bruce thought he remembered how wonderful this felt, how hot and tight Jan was around him, but his memories were just pale shadows of the reality.

Even in his state of arousal, Jan was careful of Bruce’s shoulder, leaning on his arm at Bruce’s left side only as he began to move. Bruce was acutely conscious of every nuance, of every place Jan’s flesh touched his own, of the lean muscles of his legs astride his ribs to the feel of Jan’s hair trailing across his chest as he leaned to kiss him. Jan leaned back, sitting upright and throwing his head back as they each neared their completion until suddenly Bruce heard himself give a hoarse, ragged cry as he experienced one of the most intense orgasms of his life. He was vaguely aware of Jan’s exquisite cry as he reached his own orgasm. They rode out the waves of sensation, Bruce’s left hand clutching Jan’s hip as Jan leaned and Bruce could capture him in a deep kiss, kissing him until they had to draw apart for breath.

Jan slipped off Bruce and curled into his side, showering his face and neck with kisses. Bruce’s right arm ached a little but it had been worth it. He was totally addicted to Jan, he needed him like he needed oxygen.

 

 

Chapter Three

 

  
Louise Gers was as good as her word, picking Bruce up to take to his appointments. He had physical therapy twice a week and at first he had to fight through the stiffness that had set into his arm from disuse. One week after his discharge from hospital the doctor removed the hard plaster cast that had immobilized Bruce’s upper arm and replacing it with a gauze bandage which he was to change twice a day and a soft sling to limit use of the arm until the damaged muscles mended. The stitches had dissolved and the wound closed over, leaving an angry red scar that Bruce was reluctant to let Janick see. Jan insisted though and Bruce could tell he was dismayed by sight of the three inch gash and damaged flesh. He hid it well but Bruce could see the expression in his gray eyes, then Jan leaned to place several soft kisses in a semicircle around the injured area, the kisses conveying more love than any words possible could.

Jan accompanied Bruce to his appointments and Louise generally dropped them off at the facility, went to do her shopping, and picked them up an hour later. Bruce felt guilty for putting her through the trouble but she would not be dissuaded, she insisted that Bruce was family and this is what family does for one another. After the Friday appointment of Bruce’s second week after his hospitalization he tried to talk Jan into going back to work. Louise had taken them to lunch and after bringing them home Bruce was sitting at the kitchen table as Jan went through his mail.

“Y’know, I can move a lot better now, I can do most things for myself. It would be all right if you wanted to return to your job on Monday.” The mail had included the month’s utility bills, reminding Bruce that neither of them had an income at the moment. The police had given Bruce a nominal sun for compensation but it wouldn't last indefinately. Because of Jan’s low-key lifestyle he’d accumulated a bit of savings but it wouldn’t last long either if they continued to live off it. Jan looked up and Bruce was startled to see the distress in his expression. “So soon? But Bruce, you still can’t lift anything or raise your arm above your shoulders!”

“True, but I don’t think we should push Johnny’s good nature, do you? We’re going to need his connections if we ever get this music thing going.”

Jan stood, going to the trash bin to throw away the junk mail, averting his eyes from Bruce’s. “All right, if you think it’s best. I suppose I have been smothering you a bit, hovering over you.”

Bruce stood, going over and turning his lover to face him. He understood that he’d hurt Jan’s feelings. “No, that’s not it at all! I love having you take care of me, I wish you could stay at my side forever, you know that! But,” he gestured at the unpaid bills on the table, “until I can get back to work we need the income.”

 

Jan sighed. He knew what Bruce was saying was true but he dreaded the thought of being away from him in case he needed something. As if reading his mind, Bruce smiled and gave him a soft peck on the lips. “I’ll be okay. I’ll work on my voice exercises , I’ll have my physical therapy, I’ll even read. I’ve never had the chance to read an entire book all the way through before. It will be all right.”

Jan reluctantly agreed, he knew Bruce was right. “But I’m not going back to volunteering, at least not until you’re at one hundred percent. I’ll call my store manager and tell him I can come back to work Monday, okay?”

The first day Bruce was alone in the apartment felt strange, it reminded him too sharply of the two weeks Jan had been staying at his mother’s. They downloaded a series of video voice exercises to Jan’s laptop one day when the WiFi signal was strong and Bruce diligently began to work his way through them. He was fascinated by the process of learning to control his voice, learning about breath control and to use his diaphragm to project, learning how to recognize the best key his voice was suited for. He became so engrossed in this that he was reluctant to tear himself away from it when Louise came to take him to his therapy and he got back to it immediately after returning home. 

As that week progressed Bruce found that he could perform most household tasks that didn’t involve lifting and he remembered his mission the day Jan had accidently seen him in front of The Royal Arrow. He wanted to cook something for Jan and settled on something relatively simple, chops and potatoes, but on impulse he picked up some taper candles and inexpensive wine at the store. He found a deep red tablecloth at a thrift store and set the table as well as he could with what they had. When he heard Jan’s footsteps on the stairs, though, he got a sudden wave of trepidation and almost snuffed out the candles and hid them, fearing it was too cliché and corny.

He need not have worried. Jan walked in and his eyes went straight to the table set with their mismatched china and at the two tall red candles with beer bottles as candle holders. He came straight over to Bruce before even taking off his jacket, embracing him.

“Oh, Bruce, look at this! This is wonderful, you didn’t have to do this!”

“It isn’t much, and you haven’t tried the food yet, it’s probably obvious I’ve never cooked anything in my life.” Bruce was a little embarrassed by Jan’s enthusiasm.

“It smells fantastic. This,” he gestured to the table, “this means a lot. More than you can know.”

Bruce gave him a questioning look and he tried to explain, “It’s just that I never imagined I’d be in a situation where I would come home from work to a candlelit dinner!”

Bruce stepped in and kissed him, “I felt kind of stupid about it, I admit. I never imagined I would ever do anything like this either but we are in that situation. C’mon, let’s see if I can cook!”

For the rest of that week Bruce experimented with making simple dishes, working with a very limited grocery budget. He had varying degrees of success but even his failures brought loving appreciation from Janick. The six hours a day that Janick was at work dragged on for him on the days when he didn’t have physical therapy. He could only do vocal exercises for an hour or so and he wasn’t accustomed to being confined indoors for so long. He cleaned the apartment as best he could with his limited physical ability but by the start of the following week he felt the walls were closing in on him.

He mentioned this to Louise as she brought him to his Monday appointment and she suggested the library, bringing him there after the appointment and signing him up. Rather to her surprise, the books he chose to borrow weren’t novels but were history books about the World Wars and aviation. It was something he’s always been curious about but never had the opportunity to look into.

Even reading kept him indoors, however, so the following day after going through a series of vocal exercises he went for a walk with the vague idea of meeting Janick for lunch at the music shop. He stopped at a sandwich shop then made the somewhat long walk, arriving at the store just before noon. He had never visited Jan’s place of employment before and upon walking in he was impressed. Johnny’s chain of stores were well organized, clean, and quite large with instruments of almost any type imaginable lining the walls. There were three or four customers browsing and he saw Janick occupied with an older lady and a school age boy in the band instruments section. Jan hadn’t spotted him yet so he stood looking at the displays until a middle aged man in a button down shirt asked if he could help him.

“I’m waiting to see Janick.” He told the man. The man nodded then took a second look, spotting Bruce’s sling. “Oh, are you his roommate, the bloke who was hurt while helping the police a few weeks ago?”

Bruce nodded curtly, knowing this must be the store manager and Jan’s immediate boss. He hoped the man wouldn’t fuss. Fortunately, the guy seemed to sense his reticence. He put out his hand, “I’m Mitch, the branch manager. Janick will be finished in a few minutes, browse around for a while if you like.”

Bruce thanked him and wandered to a wall of new, highly polished electric guitars. He was idly wondering if perhaps he should attempt to learn to play when another customer he hadn’t paid much attention to spoke to him. 

“Don’t I know you from someplace?”

Bruce turned to face a man with long wavy brown hair and heavy brows. He looked vaguely familiar but Bruce couldn’t place him. “I don’t know, maybe. I haven’t lived here very long, though.”

The man was still looking at him then he smiled, “I remember now, you came into the pub with Davey and Ade one night. You’re a singer, right?”

Bruce remembered him now, the bartender from the pub who had said he was a bass player and looking to start a band. “Right, I remember now, you’re Steve. Yeah, guess you could say I’m a singer. I’m not much of anything right now until my arm heals.”

Steve seemed to notice the sling for the first time, “Oh, right. What happened?”

Bruce was glad Steve hadn’t pegged him as the man who’d been in the papers and he merely shrugged, “It’s healing now,” he deliberately didn’t give a direct answer. “Say, is your last name Harris?” He remembered what Jan had said when he’d told him about the night at Steve’s pub.

“Yeah, it is. How did you know that?”

Bruce nodded in Janick’s direction as he was ringing up the sale of a clarinet. He wasn’t going to beat around the bush about his relationship with Jan. “My boyfriend has heard of you, he said you used to have a band in London.”

A brief startled look crossed Steve’s face but he quelled it right away, looking over at Janick. “Yeah, I did but that was a few years ago, before I got married and moved here. I wonder how he knew about that?”

“He was in a band himself, White Spirit. He’s a fantastic guitarist.” The pride in Bruce’s voice made Steve’s somber expression soften with a quick smile. “White Spirit. That sounds familiar. Is he the friend you were saying you recorded a demo with?”

Just then Jan noticed Bruce and came over, smiling. “Bruce, I didn’t expect to see you here!” Bruce could tell he wanted to embrace him but restrained himself. He introduced Jan to Steve and the bassist ended up joining them while they sat in the break room over lunch. The man’s serious demeanor belied his vast knowledge of music and Bruce felt a bit out of his element as he listened to Steve and Janick talk, but he didn’t mind. They talked of amps and pedals and the techniques of different well known guitarists and Bruce couldn’t help but smile at Jan’s familiarity with it all. It was a side of Jan he hadn’t really encountered before; at the studio everything had been arranged by Johnny, but it was becoming obvious to him that Jan definitely knew his craft well.

Janick was telling Steve about a distortion technique he’d been practicing and Bruce could tell Steve wasn’t sure what he meant. “Show him, Jan.” he suggested

With a shrug Jan got up and returned a moment later with a Gibson from the display wall connected to a practice amp with a long lead. “I prefer Strats but I think I can give you a general idea“ and he launched into a long riff where he ran the side of one hand up the neck while manipulating the tremolo with the other. 

Steve was intrigued, “What was that piece? I don’t recognize it.”

“Oh, it’s just something I came up with during a ….a recent rough patch I was going through.” Jan replied modestly. Bruce knew he meant he’d written the piece while staying at his Mum’s and he remembered the other mournful song he’d played for him from that time.

“Is there more?” Steve didn’t try to hide his interest.

“Oh yeah, it’s quite long.” and Jan played another bit, it almost sounded like a banshee crying, there was a sad note to it that Bruce doubted Jan even realized was there.

 

“Bruce tells me that you two made a demo.” Steve commented when he’d finished.

Jan looked fondly at Bruce, smiling. “We did, at Johnny’s studio in Newcastle, but then Bruce got hurt and we’ve kind of put everything on hold.”

Steve turned to Bruce, “I’ve finally convinced Dave and Ade to jam with me, we’ve been getting together in the back room of my bar two or three times a week. Why don’t you both stop by? We’re getting together tomorrow night.”

“At the pub?” Bruce asked, “Do they let you do that?”

“They should,” Steve smiled, “since I own the pub!”

Bruce raised his eyebrows. Steve couldn’t have been much older than he was, it was impressive that he owned a pub. 

“Well, I’m buying it from my Father-in-law,” Steve amended upon seeing Bruce’s expression, “so that gives me a bit of an edge!”

Steve had to leave then, he’d come to the store to check if they carried the gauge strings he preferred for his bass but had to get back to his pub. After he left them alone in the break room Bruce moved over and gave Jan a quick kiss.

“I never expected you to come here.” Jan smiled, obviously pleased.

“I’m getting tired of sitting around the flat, and I missed you.” Bruce said simply. 

“Maybe we should jam with Steve and the others tomorrow night, then. It’ll be fun to do something different” Jan suggested.

Bruce had to smile to himself. He knew Jan would love to play with others again and he had to admit he kind of missed the camaraderie he’d begun to build with Dave and Adrian. It was something new for him to be interested in establishing real friendships and the idea appealed to him. “Okay. Sounds like fun.”

 

Chapter Four

 

Fortunately Bruce remembered the location of Steve’s pub, it was only a few blocks from the warehouse where he worked and they took the same bus he’d been taking to work. Bruce hadn’t been in a good frame of mind on his previous visit and hadn’t remembered the name but he now saw it was called The British Lion and that it was actually quite well kept, the door and window frames brightly painted a silvery gray, the windows clean and lit with colorful fluorescent signs. They only had to follow the sound of music when they entered, the area was roughly divided by a partial wall and the back section of the room, which Bruce hadn’t bothered to notice on his earlier visit, had a definite rock music theme with memorabilia and autographed photos of rock stars as well as what looked to be vintage guitars on the walls. Bruce was following Jan and nearly crashed into him when the taller man stopped short, staring at a guitar hanging on the wall lit by a recessed spotlight.

“Holy shit! Bruce, that’s a ’59 Strat! That thing has to be worth fifty thousand!”

“More like sixty-five” came a voice behind them and they turned to find Steve gazing with pride at the guitar. “I lucked into it at an auction in London a few years ago. You appreciate rare guitars, Janick?”

“Fuck yeah!” Jan enthused, so Steve led them to the opposite wall where an ivory white bass hung, also with its own spotlight. “A ’61 Jazz bass, my pride and joy. I don’t even play it, I just look at it.” he laughed in his quiet way, “Come on, the others are already here.” He led them to a large semicircle of mismatched chairs in the far corner of the room where Bruce recognized Dave and Adrian sitting tinkering with their own guitars.

Just then Dave looked up and called out, “Bruce! Good to see you, mate! Steve said you might be here tonight!”

 

Adrian added a rather quieter greeting as they found seats. Steve busied himself hooking up a shining turquoise colored Fender Precision bass to a bank of amps where the others were already plugged in. Jan had brought his favorite Strat, one with a rather battered looking wood grain body and a round Union Jack sticker on it and as soon as introductions were made he plugged in as well, immediately falling into a guitar-oriented conversation with the other two men. 

Bruce watched, loving how Jan’s face lit up when he talked about music, and he was startled out of his reverie when Steve thrust a microphone in his hand. The only other times he’d sang into a mic had been at Johnny’s studio and he still wasn’t used to it, it felt odd to him but he flicked the mic with his fingernail and heard the corresponding sound from the speakers.

“Right, then,” Steve said, “now what are some songs all of you know? I want to hear Bruce sing.”

They conferred for a couple of minutes and settled on the Krokus song Screaming in the Night, one of Bruce’s favorites. He felt a quick qualm when the three guitarists began the intro, Dave leading and Jan and Adrian joining in, and he glanced over at Jan who smiled at him. He lifted the mic and began to sing:

Sons of vengeance, can you rescue me  
You’ve got me tied up to a woe tree….,

In the back of his mind he was astonished at how the three guitars blended, taking different parts in turn as if by unspoken agreement, and when Jan segued right into Holy Diver he automatically switched, not missing a beat, subconsciously keeping time with the sound of Steve’s bass. It was strange to hear his voice from the bank of amps against the wall, in the studio he’d worn headphones, but after he got used to it he didn’t give it a second thought. 

When that song ended he lowered the mic, the last strains of music fading, and he once again looked at Jan. The love and pride on his face made Bruce’s heart melt.

“”You weren’t shitting us, Bruce,” Steve said, putting his bass back on its stand “You are a singer!”

The five of them played around for quite some time, Steve letting them have free drinks, until they lost all awkwardness with one another and began to get comfortable playing together. The guitarists knew quite a few of the same songs and after they loosened up they stood, moving about as they played. Jan moved across the floor, spinning and kicking unconsciously as he played, his body folding over the guitar in a way that reminded Bruce of how he folded over him as they made love. It had the same effect on Bruce as it had at the studios, it made his mouth go dry with desire. Jan always wore skinny jeans that hugged his perfect ass beautifully and his long legs moved him with a fluid grace that seemed to be an extension of the music. The other guitarists weren’t quite as energetic but they were all obviously enjoying themselves. The other two had a slightly different style of playing, Adrian was more blues oriented and Dave more precise and technical, but it seemed to work.

 

Steve’s bass work was energetic and driven, his fingers moving in a blur, though he had to excuse himself several times over the course of the evening to attend to the business. Bruce learned from the others that Steve had been more of a big deal than he had guessed, having not only organized a successful London metal band but also doing session work, gaining a solid reputation. He’d left London when he married and his band broke up but he was keen to get more active in the local music scene.

At around midnight he returned just as Bruce and Jan were getting ready to leave. “You guys going to be able to come again on Thursday night? This worked out better than I expected. If we had a drummer I’d say we have the beginnings of a band! I know Dave and Ade don’t feel ready for something like that yet but what about you two?” He faced Bruce and Jan.

“Johnny mentioned something like that,” Bruce admitted. “He seemed to think Jan and I are good enough to take that step.” He looked at Jan and didn’t see any of the trepidation he expected on his lover’s face. He’d been half afraid that mention of being in a band would send him spiraling into bittersweet memories of White Spirit and Gerard.

“As long as we don’t have to quit our day jobs, I’d consider it,” Jan said. His eyes were still shining from their jam session and Bruce could tell he’d thoroughly enjoyed himself. The thought of performing live with Jan at his side was intoxicating. “If you know Johnny, you should ask him to hook you up with a drummer named Nicko.” Jan suggested.

“Oh yeah, Johnny’s a mate of mine.” Steve said. "Is this Nicko good, then?”

“He’s very good, probably better than……than anyone I’ve ever worked with.” Jan said. The brief hesitation in his words didn’t escape Bruce’s notice; Jan had almost said Gerard. For Jan to compare Nicko’s playing to Gerard’s was a big step, Bruce knew, and not only had he done that, he’d all but admitted that Nicko was the better drummer. Bruce smiled to himself as they left the pub. Perhaps Jan was finally letting go of Gerard’s ghost.

The cold night air hit their faces as they stepped out onto the sidewalk and Jan started walking the direction of the bus stop but Bruce tugged on his hand, quickly pulling him into a nearby recessed doorway, pushing him against the wall and kissing him ardently before Jan could quite comprehend what was happening. His response was immediate, however, and he returned the kiss with a vengeance, invading Bruce’s mouth with his tongue as Bruce pressed his leg into his crotch. 

“You know what it does to me to see you play guitar!” Bruce groaned hoarsely.

The aforementioned guitar was still in its gig bag on Jan’s back bumping into the brick wall behind him so he lowered it, then ardently kissed Bruce again. Bruce could feel he was already hard against him and he didn’t let up, continuing with an onslaught of kisses, his fingers curled into the collar of Bruce’s jacket until Bruce was gasping for breath.

"And you know what it does to me when you act like this!" Jan whispered breathlessly in his ear when they parted. Jan was insatiable when he got excited, but Bruce should have known this. He hadn’t been able to stop himself, though; seeing Jan’s moves as he played lit a fire that he’d had a difficult time keeping in check until they left the bar. Jan’s hand traveled down and cupped Bruce’s groin now and Bruce was wondering just how far the blonde would go in a semi-public place. He had a quick flashback of jerking Jan off on the bus and the memory made him pull him in for another kiss. Occasionally someone passed by on the sidewalk but no one looked their way, whether because they were unaware anyone was there or because they were used to snogging couples in doorways. Jan was moving his hips subtly against him now and all other thoughts were banished from Bruce’s mind by a red haze of lust.

"Oh, just wait until I get you home!" Bruce almost growled against Jan's lips and he felt the other man smile against him.

"Oh? You're going to make me wait that long? What if I don't want to wait?" Jan's voice was teasing but his breath was already quickened and he increased the pressure of his hand.

"You want me to fuck you right here on the street?" Bruce chuckled. "If you wait until we get home I promise I'll make it worth the wait!"

“Let’s go, then!” Jan laughed and moved away, grabbing Bruce’s hand and pulling him in a half run toward the bus stop. The bus could be seen approaching down the block and they ran laughing to the stop just as it pulled up, still holding hands. Bruce heard someone in the group waiting to board mutter something about ‘fucking faggots’ but thankfully Jan was already boarding the bus and didn’t hear. Bruce turned and smirked, “We’re not fucking yet but we will as soon as we get home!” The man’s jaw dropped; he didn’t think he’d been overheard.

 

Chapter Five

 

Unfortunately – or perhaps fortunately - the bus was somewhat crowded and the two of them had to be content with surreptitiously holding hands with an occasional hand on the other’s thigh through the seemingly long ride, their impatience increasing as the bus stopped at several more stops before finally depositing them at the stop near their building. Jan’s fingers were clutching at Bruce’s leg like talons by then, the anticipation was driving him mad. They exited the bus laughing and half-ran toward their building, Bruce pulling Jan into the stairwell and shoving him against the wall, kissing him deeply.

“I could do you right here like we did before, but said I’d make it worth your wait!” He pulled Jan up the stairs and as soon as the door was closed behind him they were on one another, exchanging greedy kisses and nips. It was somewhat rough but that only added to the excitement as they made their way to the bedroom. Bruce tearing Jan’s shirt up over his head as they went while Jan’s hands were busy undoing Bruce’s jeans. They tumbled sideways onto the bed, still entangled, their mouths still connected as Bruce drank in Jan’s hungry, breathless moans. Still with his jeans on, Jan wrapped his legs around Bruce, kicking his shoes off and grinding into him, making Bruce’s head spin. The depth of passion that he’d found with this man amazed him every single time they touched, it consumed him completely and drove everything else from his mind. He hurriedly unfastened Jan’s jeans and began to inch the skin tight denim down over his slim hips, lowering his head to mouth at him through his briefs as soon as he was able. 

“If you keep doing that…,” Jan gasped, “this is going to be over before it begins!”

“Mmm….we can’t have that,” Bruce moved away, earning a disappointed groan from Jan in spite of his words as he pulled the jeans all the way off and tossed them across the room. He crawled up Jan’s now naked body and kissed him, not wanting to stop. “Do you know you hump your guitar as you play?” he murmured. “it’s the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen!”

“I…I don’t know, I’m only paying attention to the music….oh God, Bruce,” he writhed his hips against Bruce, who was still wearing his jeans though they were opened now, “get naked, hurry up….”

He didn’t have to ask twice. The open air on Bruce’s erection was soon replaced by the warmth of Jan’s hand, the long fingers wrapping around his length soon followed by Jan’s hot mouth, his tongue insistent, never still but licking and swirling even as he took Bruce in further. Bruce felt as though he was floating, every sense was concentrated on the sensations Jan was giving him. Jan seemed to enjoy this activity almost as much as Bruce if the sounds he was making were any indication, and every sound he made reverberated through Bruce. It took everything Bruce had to hold back, then Jan’s mouth popped off and he crept up Bruce’s body, sitting astride his hips. Bruce vaguely wished he’d taken the time to turn the bedroom light on so he could see Jan better; in the indirect light from the other room Bruce could only imagine the expressions on his face as he slowly mounted Bruce. Bruce felt like he was on the verge of hyperventilating; his breath came in shallow pants interspersed with long moans as Jan began to move. They tried to draw it out, make it last, but they were both too keyed up and within a very few minutes they reached their completion. Jan came first but as soon as he heard the low keening moan and felt Jan’s emission hot and wet against his chest Bruce grasped Jan’s hips and spent himself, losing all track of time and space for several seconds. They fell into an exhausted sleep almost immediately, wrapped close in one another’s arms.

 

They had both enjoyed jamming at Steve’s bar so they returned several times over the next couple of weeks. Bruce was becoming more comfortable with his singing and he no longer let it bother him when a few of the bar patrons would drift back into that section of the pub to listen. The amps were only set at a moderate volume but strains of the music were impossible to ignore anywhere in the bar. When the two arrived for their third visit they found a drum set in the corner that hadn’t been there before and Nicko McBrain deep in conversation with Steve when they arrived. Adrian and Dave were already trading riffs but Steve came over to them to speak to Jan.

“I have to say you were right about Nicko, mate! From what I’ve heard so far he’ll fit in perfectly with the sound I’m after. Now if I can convince Dave and Adrian to agree to perform in public we’ll be getting somewhere!”

Both Bruce and Jan hadn’t taken the idea of actually starting a band seriously until now but that night back in their flat they lay in bed discussing it in the low, mellow tones of pillow talk. As always, Jan’s performance with his guitar had driven Bruce mad and they had gone straight to bed as soon as they got home with only one thing on their minds but now Bruce was curious about what being in a band would entail.

“It depends on how seriously Steve wants to take it, I suppose,” Jan told his partner. “White Spirit were a regional band, although we had hopes of going further, but the band Steve was in before were a London club band and very popular, from what I’ve heard.’

“We’ll have to talk to him before we commit ourselves to anything,” Bruce said, his hand idly running through Jan’s silky hair as Jan nestled up to his side. “It seems too risky to quit our regular jobs. I’m actually looking forward to getting back to work. The compensation money the police gave me is running low but apart from that, the whole concept of earning an honest living is still a challenge for me and I want to prove to myself that I can handle it.”

“I know you can handle it, but you’re right, we can’t quit our jobs for a band. I did that before and spent a few very lean months before any real money started coming in. We don’t have to worry about it right away, though – Adrian and Dave don’t feel confident enough yet to actually be on a stage, especially Dave. I told him I’d work with him on it, he just needs confidence.”

“You did?” Bruce was mildly surprised to hear that, though he had noticed Jan and Dave talking together quite often through the evening.

Jan merely nodded, going on to talk about the differences between being on a stage and just jamming together in the back of a bar. “You won’t have any problem, I know. You have a great deal of self-confidence.”

“I’m getting used to it. Do you know what Steve suggested to me tonight? He said I should try my hand at songwriting! He said that the music you composed needed only lyrics to be added in order to be performed.”

Jan was intrigued, “Oh, that’s a wonderful idea. You should try it, Brucie!”

Bruce made a derisive sound, “I don’t know the first thing about writing lyrics!”

“What’s to know? Just write down what you feel.”

As they were talking Jan’s hand was stroking across Bruce’s chest and now he laughed a little. “Write down what I’m feeling, huh? Right now I’m feeling horny!”

Jan giggled and turned his head to give Bruce's nipple a little flick with his tongue, "That would be a really good song!"

Bruce finally convinced Louise he was perfectly capable of taking the bus to his appointments and she agreed, but only on the condition that he come with Jan to visit her frequently. She needn't have worried; Bruce had grown quite fond of her and enjoyed her company. He took a bus to physical therapy the following day and on a whim brought along one of Jan's notepads, using the time during the rather lengthy ride to jot down things he thought could be ideas for songs. The physical therapy was going well now that the damaged muscles were knitting together, he had most of his range of motion back and while he was still unable to lift anything heavy he pressed the therapist on every visit to allow him to go back to his job. Finally on this visit the therapist consented.

“I will sign a release for you to return to light duty, Bruce. It’s the best I can do, and you still need to come here once a week until your strength in that arm is back to one hundred percent.”

Bruce grudgingly accepted that, and after the appointment he went to the warehouse to speak to his supervisor. Returning to his former position was out of the question as it involved heavy lifting so a position was found for him in inventory, scanning the barcodes on incoming and outgoing shipments with a handheld scanner. It sounded as boring as hell to Bruce and he made it clear that he wanted his old position back as soon as he was able. The supervisor was surprised as the inventory job was much easier and he had to admit to a kind of respect for this young man’s determination to work hard for his pay.

The following Monday Bruce went back to work and it was every bit as boring as he anticipated, and what’s more he now had different break times than Adrian and Dave so the only opportunity he had to talk with them was at Steve’s pub. The sessions at the pub were gradually morphing into more rehearsals than jam sessions and Bruce noticed Jan frequently mentoring Dave, even going so far as taking his fingers and positioning them in a more comfortable configuration on the frets, teaching him how to adapt barre chords into the music they were playing. 

Though he wasn’t himself a vocalist, Steve coached Bruce on stage presence and handling an audience and somewhat to his surprise, Bruce enjoyed it. Banter had been part of his stock-in-trade as a busker and this was merely an extension of that. Some of the pub regulars now habitually gathered in the back room to listen as they played and Bruce found it to be second nature to engage with them.

One evening about a week after Bruce’s return to work he and Jan were relaxing on the couch, Bruce leaning lengthwise against the arm with Jan lying against his chest between his outstretched legs when Bruce brought up the subject of songwriting. He’d been scribbling down lyrics every day on the bus as he rode to work and now he’d put some of them in some sort of form.

Jan sat upright and turned to him when he casually mentioned what he’d been doing, “Really!? That’s fantastic, Brucie. Let me see them!”

Bruce was still a bit unsure of himself in that area, “Okay, but please don’t laugh, I really don’t know what I’m doing.” 

“I’ll never laugh, you know that.”

Bruce leaned and snatched the notebook from inside the trunk they used as a coffee table, flipping it open. Jan read for several minutes, then Bruce softly started singing:

Maybe one day I'll be an honest man  
Up 'til now I'm doing the best I can  
Long roads, long days, of sunrise, to sunset  
Sunrise to sunset

When Bruce had run through all the lyrics to that song Jan scooted over to give him a hug. “Some of these are really good! I’d love to write some music for them.”

“Or you can adapt the lyrics to music you’ve already written, either way.” He pulled Jan closer as the blonde started to move away, “You seriously think these are any good? They don’t even rhyme.”

“They don’t have to, but some of these do rhyme” he read aloud:  
'Hand of fate is moving and the finger points to you  
He knocks you to your feet and so what are you gonna do  
Your tongue has frozen now you've got something to say  
The piper at the gates of dawn is calling you his way'

“They’re ….meaningful!” Jan sought the right word to describe what he was thinking. “They aren’t the same old trite nonsense about love and heartbreak and all of that; that stuff has been done to death. These are different. I knew you could do anything you wanted to do!”

Bruce looked at the shining gray eyes and felt an incredible wave of warmth wash over him. At times he couldn’t believe he’d earned the love and devotion of someone like Jan. Yet Jan believed in him even when he hadn’t believed in himself. He closed his arms around the slender blonde, pulling him in for a kiss. Jan melted into the kiss with an almost silent sigh, once again settling in Bruce’s lap, only this time feeling the response their kiss had triggered in Bruce. They went to bed early that night, but not to sleep.

 

Chapter Six

 

  
Bruce wasn’t going to mention his lyrics to Steve, but Jan did. Steve, of course, wanted to hear them. Bruce and Jan had been spending their evenings working out music for the songs, adapting and adjusting some of Jan’s compositions to them or creating new music to enhance them. Bruce’s lyrics had a depth that astonished Janick and showed a deeper side of him that was only hinted at in his day-to-day life, a more philosophical, metaphysical side to his nature that impressed and even somewhat surprised him. Encouraged by the others, Bruce and Jan ran through a couple of the songs they had been working together on, knowing they still needed a good deal of work. When the last notes of Jan’s guitar died down Bruce tore his gaze from his lover to look at the others. They were standing or sitting there and each one of them had a somewhat stunned expression.

Finally Steve spoke. “That was……more than I expected. Different. Unique.” He smiled. “I like it!”

Jan looked at the other three. Nicko spoke up. “I wanted to jump behind the drums as you were playing. The drums will be kinda challenging for this music, it isn’t like anything I’ve done before, but if you’re willing I’d love to work with them!”

“So would I!” Adrian added. Dave and Jan exchanged a look and Dave nodded.

“Jan seems to think I’m up to the challenge, so I’m willing to give it a go.”

Steve nodded and picked up his bass. “Right, then. Let’s get to it.”

 

They stayed much later that night than usual, well past the hour when Steve closed the pub but fortunately it was a Friday night and no one had to work the next day. Nicko had been commuting back and forth from Newcastle but Steve offered to rent him a bedsit over the bar that had just been vacated. Since he was dissatisfied with the humdrum job he’d been working in Newcastle he had no problem with moving, his chances of finding work were equally good anyplace. It was after three in the morning when Bruce and Jan finally arrived home, the buses didn’t run at that hour so Dave and Adrian, who roomed together, gave them a ride.

“See you guys later!” Bruce said exiting Ade’s old car.

“Monday, Dave!” Jan added. Bruce momentarily wondered about that; their next get-together wasn’t until Wednesday because the back room of the pub had been rented out for a private party on their usual Monday night. Maybe Jan had simply forgotten that? Bruce barely gave it a thought.

In spite of the late hour Jan was pumped with adrenaline. He had all but given up on his dreams of writing and performing music, and now it all felt within reach again. Bruce was watching him with an indulgent smile as he bounced up the stairs to the flat and at the top of the stairs Jan suddenly turned as Bruce was closing the door and seized him, pressing his back against the door and catching his mouth in a searing kiss. Bruce was briefly taken by surprise but quickly caught the spirit, images of Jan’s movements as he played his guitar earlier running through his mind. 

“What’s gotten into you?” he gasped when they came up for air, laughing.

Jan slid a hand inside his open coat and ran it down Bruce’s chest, “I know what I want to get into me!” he smirked, dipping his hand lower and cupping Bruce’s groin.

Bruce grinned, “It seems that tonight playing your guitar made you as horny as it always makes me!”

Jan took hold of the lapels of Bruce’s coat, pulling him so close Bruce felt his warm breath on his lips. “Playing isn’t what makes me horny, you make me horny!” then he crushed his lips to Bruce’s, his tongue sliding in between his lips and seeking out Bruce’s own. Jan wasn’t usually this aggressive, he usually preferred to let Bruce instigate their lovemaking, but Bruce was discovering he rather liked assertive Jan. There was something primal in how straightforward Jan was being about how much he wanted Bruce. He already had the brunette’s jeans unzipped and his hand was inside, his palm cupping what was now a throbbing hard-on, making Bruce’s breath quicken and they weren’t even out of the entryway of the apartment yet.

Bruce’s eyes fluttered closed as Jan pressed his back against the wall and suddenly fell to his knees before him, pulling him from his pants. Bruce thought fleetingly that he was never going to be able to watch Jan sink to his knees during a solo again without getting hard, then his mind had no more room for thought as Jan hungrily took him into his mouth. Bruce leaned back, his legs braced but feeling shaky as Jan greedily worked on him.

“Jan,” he licked his lips, trying again to speak, “Jan, stop, wait….” 

“Mmm….don’t want to wait!” Jan murmured around him, so Bruce tangled his fingers in the soft golden hair, forcing Jan to look up.

“No…. bedroom,” Bruce was barely coherent, “I want to get you naked!”

Jan laughed, his mouth still around Bruce sending vibrations through him that made him gasp out loud, but Jan reluctantly let him go and rose to his feet, grasping his hand.

“Come on…..”

They went to the bedroom where Jan, still in his dominant role, pushed him backwards on the bed and crawled up over him, covering his mouth in a long, deep kiss. Bruce was as eager as he, though, and busy unfastening Jan’s jeans, inching the skin tight denim down far enough for Jan’s erection to spring free only to be immediately grasped in Bruce’s hand. The sounds Jan was making even as he was showering Bruce’s neck and chest with kisses spurred Bruce on and he grasped the firm, round arse with both hands, grinding himself up against Jan.

“I want you….”Jan was gasping breathlessly, “I need you now, Brucie, I need you to fuck me….!”

Before he finished speaking Bruce flipped him over and pulled the jeans completely off, kicking his own off as well. Jan was writhing and twisting against the bedcovers, his eyes closed and his cheeks flushed as Bruce made quick work of preparing him, finally sinking into him with a long drawn out sigh. Jan echoed with a moan, still wriggling as his legs wrapped around Bruce’s hips. Each of them had been up for over eighteen hours and had worked all day but none of that lessened their vigor as they coupled almost frantically. Lost in the sensations, Bruce felt himself climbing slowly toward release and he opened his eyes to look down at Jan. Jan’s lips were parted and his eyes closed, his head turning from side to side in his abandon. Bruce felt his own orgasm imminent and he was determined to bring Jan along with him, he put his weight on his uninjured arm and slid the other hand between them, grasping Jan firmly. 

His orgasm almost upon him, Bruce began to stroke Jan.

“Yes…..oh, yes, Gerry!!!” Jan cried out as he climaxed, his hot release coating both their stomachs.

Part of Bruce’s mind told him something was wrong but it was too late, he couldn’t hold back and he sank deep into his lover as his body shuddered through an intense orgasm. He felt exhaustion overtake him and he collapsed, nearly on top of Jan but he managed to fall to the side and the cold realization dawned on him. Jan had shouted out Gerard’s name as he came.

Bruce opened his eyes and looked at Jan. The blonde lay sprawled beside him, eyes closed and still breathing hard, perspiration gluing the tips of his hair to his white shoulders. He hadn’t realized what he’d said, Bruce knew. He’d been so lost in the act, so caught up in the moment that he hadn’t been aware of what he was saying, he probably didn’t know he was speaking aloud at all. That was no consolation to Bruce. The thought came unbidden to his mind that Jan’s eyes had been closed, he almost always closed his eyes when he neared orgasm. Did he do this because he was pretending he was with Gerard? No, Bruce tried to tell himself. He was being ridiculous, Jan had been lost in the moment and simply misspoke, that’s all there was to it. Still, as Jan snuggled into his side and fell asleep Bruce lay awake until the gray light of dawn sifted through the curtains. He wasn’t sure what he thought; he wasn’t sure what he should think. The thought that kept going over and over through his mind was that he was in competition with a dead man, and he was losing. He tried to push that crazy idea aside, he knew Jan loved him. Gerard was gone, Jan was with him now and he had nothing to worry about. Still, he felt a cold hard ball of something twisting deep inside him and he couldn’t seem to get rid of it.

Bruce finally dozed from sheer exhaustion and was awakened just before noon by Jan kissing his neck, his arm tight across Bruce’s chest. Bruce made a contented sound and turned into his arms before he remembered his unease from the night before. Jan was oblivious, he was tracing his tongue around Bruce’s ear, clearly in the mood for some wake-up sex but Bruce suddenly felt he couldn’t lie there for another minute. He abruptly got out of bed, leaving Jan sprawled across his pillow. Jan looked up at him through his tousled hair, puzzled.

“Umm, sorry, I’ve got to…got to go to the bathroom.” Bruce mumbled, quickly fleeing into the flat’s tiny bathroom. Once in there, though, Bruce sat on the edge of the bathtub with his head in his hands and took a deep breath. He was torn; part of him believed he should tell Jan what he’d accidentally said the night before. Maybe they could even laugh it off, joke around about how out of his head Jan would get while making love and forget all about it. Hah! Who was he kidding? He knew he couldn't tell Jan, he knew that if Jan wasn’t devastated over the very mention of Gerard he would be devastated over having hurt Bruce. If this was a sample of how confusing ‘normal’ life was, Bruce thought, he should have stayed on the streets.

Lost in thought Bruce jumped when Jan tapped tentatively on the door. “Bruce? Are you finished in there? I have to pee too, you know.”

“Just a minute” Bruce quickly splashed some cold water on his face. He felt tired and out of sorts, a dull headache pounding behind his eyes. Thank God it was Saturday and he didn’t have to work, but on the other hand he had to somehow spend the day with Jan without torturing himself by wondering if Jan would rather be with Gerard if it were possible. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Jan bustled inside, still completely nude, and took his stance in front of the toilet.

“Just wait a minute, Brucie, and we can put this thing to better use than peeing!” He giggled, looking over his shoulder with a naughty smile. Bruce managed to smile back before turning and returning to the bedroom, falling face first onto his pillow with a groan. A couple minutes later he felt Jan return to the bed and close his arms around him, nuzzling into the back of his neck.

“Brucie,” he used a sing song voice, placing tiny kisses all down Bruce’s muscular back. “Let’s just stay in bed all day, hmmm?”

Bruce made a noncommittal grunt, “I don’t feel very good today, Jan. I want to sleep a little more, okay?”

Jan was instantly solicitous. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were ill. I’ll let you sleep as long as you like. Can I get you anything?”

Damn it, Bruce thought to himself. By being so sweet to him Jan was making him feel more and more guilty for being upset over a stupid slip of the tongue. He turned his head and peeped up at Jan’s concerned face through his hair. God, how he loved this man! He was being stupid for letting this get him down and he knew it, but the cold knot in his gut wouldn’t go away. He reached out and laid a hand on Jan’s arm. 

“I’m okay, just tired.” He managed a smile. “I’ll be up in a couple hours, okay?”

“Okay,” Jan leaned and kissed his cheek, then quietly got dressed and left the bedroom, closing the door quietly. 

Bruce groaned and punched the pillow hard. He hated feeling like this, he hated the uncertainty and confusion, he hated the doubts and the nagging feeling that he wasn’t good enough for Jan. It had been there at the back of his mind ever since he’d been in a relationship with Jan. How could he, a shiftless street bum with a history of minor crime, ever be worthy of someone like Jan? Jan was so gentle hearted, generous and thoughtful that Bruce had suspected him of being a poser when they first met. He knew better now, he knew Jan was as genuine as they come, but if anything that made him feel even more unworthy. He finally drifted off to sleep again with these thoughts still whirling around in his mind as gentle strains of an acoustic guitar drifted through the walls from the living room.

 

 

Chapter Seven 

 

Somehow Bruce got through that day without letting his worries get the better of him and he felt he put on a fairly convincing act of simply feeling unwell so Jan didn’t try to instigate anything amorous. Bruce would never have believed he would avoid sex with Janick but he found himself avoiding it now. Jan was unfailingly considerate; when Bruce told him he had a headache Jan simply held him close that night and pressed small kisses around the healing scar on his shoulder before drifting off to sleep. On Sunday they went to Louise’s to help her with some things around the house and when she mentioned her car needed an oil change, Bruce volunteered to do it for her. He’d worked for a few weeks at an auto repair shop one winter so he knew how, and working in the garage relieved him of the strain of trying to pretend everything was fine. And as far as everyone else was concerned everything was fine, he knew. It was his problem and he had to come to terms with it, but he didn’t know how. 

The thought of making love to Jan brought up an image of him calling out Gerard’s name in the throes of passion and that night after returning from Louise’s house Bruce pretended to fall asleep while Jan was still in the bathroom brushing his teeth. Jan came out and, believing him to be asleep, crept quietly into bed next to him, laid his head on Bruce’s shoulder, and went to sleep himself. Bruce, however, lay there tense and awake for hours before eventually finding sleep.

Bruce was glad when Monday came. He felt the strain of hiding his tumultuous thoughts from Jan and it was almost a relief to go to work. Jan had seemed subdued that morning as they had their breakfast and Bruce felt his eyes on him, but he didn’t say anything. He kissed Bruce goodbye before Bruce left for work, lingering on his lips for a long moment and touching his face softly.

“Have a good day, Brucie,” he said softly, “I love you.”

Bruce looked into those clear gray eyes and quickly looked down. “Love you too,” he murmured and quickly left the apartment.

The tedium of his new job in the inventory department was almost welcome that day. He had to focus on scanning every box that arrived and it kept his mind occupied, though at lunchtime he merely sat in the breakroom in silence, his head in his hands. During the long bus ride to and from the warehouse he wrestled with the same thoughts over and over. He was being silly, Jan loved him, Jan didn’t know what he was saying, Jan didn’t mean to hurt him. It was a constant loop in his mind but telling himself he was being stupid didn’t help, he couldn’t shake the images that flooded his head. Images of Jan lying beneath Gerard, of how many times he’d looked up at him with love in his eyes the way he looked up at Bruce, of how devoted he had to have been to Gerard to put up with all his indiscretions and casual cruelty. If Gerard was alive Bruce would be able handle it better, he knew. There wouldn’t be the lack of closure that haunted Jan, there wouldn’t be the nagging feeling that Jan would prefer Gerard because if Gerard were alive, yet Jan chose to be with Bruce,  
these doubts wouldn’t exist.

Jan was in high spirits that evening, he already had a simple dinner put together and he greeted Bruce with his customary resounding kiss. Bruce managed to return the kiss but he only picked at the food Jan had prepared, listening to Jan talk on about a new model Ibanez guitar the shop just got in stock and the merits of Ibanez as compared with Fender. He tried to pull the same trick that night of pretending to be asleep when Jan got to bed but Jan rolled next to him and wrapped his arms around him from behind.

“Brucie? Is everything okay? You’ve been awfully quiet.” He didn’t reply but Jan was no fool. “I know you’re awake. Did I do something to make you angry?”

He still didn’t answer and after a minute he heard Jan sigh. “Goodnight, Brucie. I love you.” The hurt in his voice tore at Bruce’s heart and he felt tears sting his eyes. He knew he couldn’t keep this up forever, he had to somehow deal with these absurd fears and insecurities he was feeling. He wanted to roll over and sweep Jan up, to kiss him and make love to him like there was no tomorrow, but he almost felt like the ghost of Gerard was there in the room with them, looking down on them and gloating because even in death Jan still loved him.

On Wednesday they were expected to go to Steve’s pub and jam and usually Bruce would have looked forward to it all day. He was becoming more comfortable in his role as a vocalist now but he knew he still had a lot to learn about singing with a band. All the little nuances, the little unspoken things that make good bands work seamlessly together needed to be ironed out. The six of them clicked, they already worked well together, but this was just informal playing around. If he ever hoped to sing before an actual audience he needed this practice, but even as he and Jan rode the bus to Steve’s that evening his heart wasn’t in it.

Jan knew something was wrong. He glanced over at Bruce every few minutes, worry etched on his face. Bruce had been acting different for days now, he claimed he didn’t feel well but something told Jan there was more to it than that. He’d asked a dozen times over the past few days but only got vague answers. Bruce would say he was tired or that he had a headache but when Jan offered to get him some aspirin he’d refused. Finally that day when Bruce came in the flat, his shoulders slumped and his usually sharp chocolate eyes dull, Jan suggested to go to a doctor.

“No, I don’t need a fucking doctor!” Bruce almost snapped at him. Then he looked ashamed and wouldn’t meet Jan’s eyes. “I…I know you’re worried about me but I’m fine, okay?”

Jan just nodded, trying to fight back the sudden ache in his chest. It was a familiar feeling, he’d lived with that feeling for years. It was the feeling he used to get when Gerard would brush him off and go off somewhere without him, returning later either drunk or high and stinking of sex to drag Jan off to his van and fuck him silly on the musty carpet in the back.

They arrived at the pub and Bruce immediately went to talk with Steve about some changes he’d suggested for his lyrics, leaving Jan looking after him somewhat bewildered. They hadn’t even walked in together as usual, Bruce had strode on ahead. He was staring after Bruce when he felt a tap on his arm and turned to see the bright blue eyes of Dave looking at him with concern.

“Hey, what’s up, mate? You look like somebody just kicked you in the stomach!”

“Oh,” Jan tried to smile but his eyes drifted back to Bruce, “No, I’m okay. Did you practice those riffs I gave you?”

Dave had been coming into the music shop for some private tutoring for the past few days. The music shop was on his way home and as he got out of work an hour before the store closed, if he timed it right he had thirty to forty minutes for Jan to work with him. Mitch the store manager didn’t mind if they used the back room where music lessons were generally given as long as no one else was using it so Jan had offered to show Dave some of the shortcuts he’d learned over the years. Dave had only been playing for three years whereas Jan had been playing since he was eleven so Dave was thrilled to pick up any pointers he could from the more experienced musician. He also admired Jan as a person as well as a guitarist, they had hit it off remarkably well right from their first meeting so he jumped at it when Jan offered to help him out.

That evening, though, everyone present sensed the tension between Jan and Bruce. Bruce seemed reluctant to even look at Jan and Jan kept glancing in Bruce’s direction with a poorly disguised look of hurt and confusion on his face. Even Jan’s playing was off, he didn’t get as carried away by the music as he usually did, he merely played the notes in an absent kind of way while standing woodenly off to one side.

After a couple of hours of running through some of the songs Bruce and Jan had written together, making some adjustments and subtle changes, Steve said he wanted all six of them to try to run through the song all the way. He and Nicko had been working on the rhythm parts by themselves and he wanted to see if they could piece it all together, but just then the bartender came up to him about something that needed his attention in the other room so he told them all to chill out and have a beer until he got back.

Bruce slumped in a chair, holding the lyric sheets in his hand and pretending to go over them and Ade and Nicko went to get everyone a beer so Dave and Jan sat and worked on some of the more obscure chords Dave had been practicing. Jan’s attention wandered, though, until finally Dave laid his guitar aside.

“Listen, I know you said you’re okay but I can tell something is wrong. Do you want to talk about it?”

Jan turned to look at him blankly. ”Huh?”

Dave had to smile but inwardly he was really concerned about his new friend. “Janick, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, everything’s fine.”

“Bollocks! I wasn’t born yesterday, mate. Did you and Bruce have a fight or something?” Everyone in the group knew he and Bruce were a couple.

“No, no. If we had, it would make more sense.” Jan shook his head.

Dave reached out and took Jan’s guitar, laying it next to his own. “Okay, start from the beginning. What would make more sense?”

“The way Bruce is acting!” Jan finally gave in. He felt a rush of gratitude that Dave was concerned. Perhaps if he talked to someone about it they could come up with an explanation. Jan only knew he had to get it off his chest. “He’s been acting…..strange, Dave. It seemed to start the last time we were here; Friday night. Everything was fine but the next day Bruce was….., well, distant. He didn’t seem to want to talk to me or….or anything.”

“But you don’t know why?”

Jan shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. “I have no idea! I’ve asked and asked but he just spins me off.” Maybe talking about this wasn’t such a good idea, Jan realized. Putting it all into words was hard and he felt tears prick at his eyes. He was embarrassed because he knew Dave could tell he was on the brink of crying, but Dave just reached over and patted his knee.

“You two haven’t been together very long, have you?”

Jan shook his head. “About two months. We got together on Christmas.” He brushed at his eyes, looking away quickly. Dave’s hand was still on his knee, he felt some sense of comfort from the contact and he looked back at Dave. “I guess I really don’t know him that well. I thought I did, but….” Damn it, now tears were spilling over and he couldn’t seem to stop them.

Dave was looking at him with a steady look, his usual smile absent. He hated to see Jan like this, Jan was one of the nicest people he’d ever met. Hell, if he wasn’t with Bruce….. but he was with Bruce, so Dave stopped that line of thought right there.

Dave scooted his chair closer to Jan’s. “Tell me exactly what happened, maybe we can figure this out.”

Steve returned several minutes later and Nicko took his place at the drums after taking a huge swallow of beer. Bruce roused himself and looked around as Nicko struck a cymbal to get everyone’s attention. What the fuck?! Jan and Dave were huddled close in the corner and Dave’s arm was around Jan’s shoulders. They were both slow to stand up and sling on their guitars and Jan’s face was flushed, his eyes unnaturally bright. They ran through the song that Bruce called Wasting Love a few times making changes here and there, though Steve, Ade, and Nicko put forth most of the input. Bruce simply sang what they suggested and Jan played the music listlessly. Dave, for his part, was watching Jan thoughtfully, catching him looking at Bruce every few minutes. They were all learning that Steve was a perfectionist. He was ostensibly the group’s leader, being the most experienced musician among them, and when he suggested they run through the song over and over they complied. The song they were working on was something Bruce had come up with on the bus to work one day after observing the other passengers, and they’d been tweaking it all night.

 

Chapter Eight

 

 

Bruce took full advantage of Steve’s offer of free drinks, putting away half a dozen pints as the evening progressed. It didn’t help his frame of mind but it did loosen him up so when Steve suggested he stay after the pub closed to work out some problems with the lyrics, he agreed. When Steve left to see to the closing of the pub’s till, Jan went over to Bruce.

“Ready to go home?”

Bruce wouldn’t meet his eye, “I was thinking of staying awhile longer, Steve wants to work on that third verse. It doesn’t sound right.”

“All right, I’ll stay with you then.”

“No, you go on home, you have to work tomorrow.”

“So do you!” Jan pointed out, to which Bruce merely shrugged.

“Bruce….” Jan began, but Bruce was already walking away. He had to get away from Jan, he couldn’t bear to look at him or he knew he would break down and confess what he was upset about. 

This exchange didn’t escape Dave’s notice and he tapped Jan on the shoulder. “If you aren’t ready to go home yet you can come hang out with H and me for a while at our place.”

“I might as well,” Jan sighed. He couldn’t face the thought of going home alone, especially when every previous time they had left Steve’s they had hardly made it home before jumping one another’s bones. He had been wracking his brain trying to find a reason for Bruce’s sudden change in behavior, his nerves were on edge and there was a hollow feeling in his chest. Davey seemed to sense this and lay his hand on Jan’s shoulder reassuringly.

“C’mon, mate. We’ve got some beer at our place and you can show me those inversion chords you were talking about.”

With one last glance at Bruce who was studying the lyric sheets with Steve at one of the tables in the now-closed bar he followed Dave and Ade out to their car.

It was after two by the time Jan arrived back at the flat and he usually got up at seven to spend time with Bruce before his lover left for work. Dave had given Jan a ride home after they had spent a couple of hours going over some of the more complicated chord changes, but Jan had only accepted two beers from the other man. He had a feeling of dread as he ascended the stairs to the flat and as soon as he entered he knew why. Bruce wasn’t there, there was nothing to indicate he’d returned home yet at all.

Jan sank onto the couch dejectedly, carelessly laying his prized Strat on the floor. What was happening between him and Bruce? He couldn’t understand it, they had been so happy and suddenly Bruce was acting like a complete stranger. He felt an overwhelming urge to just break down and cry. Why did this always happen to him, why was he destined to fall in love with men who would treat him like shit?!

Just then he heard footsteps on the stairs. Uneven, unsteady footsteps. He went to the door and cautiously opened it, switching on the stairwell light. Bruce was making his way up the stairs, clinging tightly to the handrail, drunk as a skunk. 

“Oh, Brucie.” He whispered, reaching out a hand to help the other man up the last few steps. Bruce looked at the hand for a moment before clasping it. When he got him inside Jan couldn’t stop himself from hugging Bruce, feeling the shorter man sway a bit as he did. Bruce’s arms went lightly around Jan for just a moment before he withdrew them and he stepped away.

“Where were you?” Jan asked hesitantly, not sure he wanted to know.

“The pub. Steve gave free beer. Then he put me in a taxi, said I had to go home. M’not even sure I have a home…” he mumbled, teetering and falling heavily onto the couch.

“You’re home now,” Jan told him, unsure what he was rambling on about. “C’mon, you have to get some sleep, we have to get up in a few hours.”

Bruce tipped sideways, lying on the couch and Jan lifted his feet, unlacing his sneakers and taking them off. Bruce was still mumbling , “Why do I gotta get up? Why should I go to work, I got by fine without working before now….”

“Shhh, Bruce, lie still. Get some sleep.” Jan was trying to soothe his friend but inwardly he was distressed. Yes, Bruce was drunk but sometimes truths come out in drunken ramblings when the speaker lets his guard down. Was Bruce regretting giving up his wandering lifestyle? Was he….was he regretting becoming involved with Jan?? Jan felt his throat close up as he swallowed the tears that were threatening to fall again.

A low snore came from Bruce; he’d fallen asleep or passed out, one or the other. Jan looked down at him. His hair was tangled and he had a heavy five o’clock shadow, he reeked of beer and his clothes looked as though he must have fallen down at least once that night, probably more. And he was the most beautiful thing in the world to Jan. Jan got a blanket from the bedroom and carefully tucked it around him, leaned to press a kiss to his forehead, and went to bed. Sleep was a long time coming.

Bruce was awakened by the alarm clock going off in the bedroom and the sound of Janick getting up and going into the bathroom. He sat up and winced, his head was pounding and his mouth tasted like something had died in it. He stumbled to the kitchen, grabbing the aspirin bottle from the windowsill over the sink and swallowing four tablets dry. He momentarily thought he was going to throw up, he managed to quell it but as soon as Jan opened the bathroom door he pushed past him, closing the door behind him. He did throw up then, trying to be as quiet about it as he possibly could, then he undressed and stepped into a hot shower. After a shower, a shave, and brushing his teeth he felt marginally better but was loathe to leave the safety of the bathroom. He didn’t want to face Janick.

Going back out into the living room Bruce saw Janick at the kitchen counter making coffee. He had a cowardly wish that he could slip out of the apartment without Jan noticing but of course that was impossible. Jan had been listening for him and he turned, his eyes meeting Bruce’s. Bruce wanted to look away but he couldn’t, those expressive gray eyes held his like a magnet and he felt like he could see Jan’s every thought there. Fear, worry, sadness, even heartbreak were in those eyes and Bruce felt so ashamed he wanted to crawl right through the floor.

“You okay?” Jan asked softly, holding out a cup of coffee to him. 

“Yeah,” his voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat. “I’ll make it to work.’

Jan looked at him levelly for a long minute. “We have to talk, Brucie. You have to talk to me.”

Bruce just shook his head, though the movement made his head pound worse. “Not now. I gotta go.” He grabbed the coffee and gulped it, burning his tongue but not caring, and grabbed his jacket from where he’d thrown it on the floor the night before. He was out of the apartment before Jan could say another word.

 

Jan walked to the window and watched Bruce emerge from the building and head toward the bus stop, his head low, his shoulders hunched and his hands thrust deep in his pockets. He felt like crying again, it seemed like he’d been on the verge of crying for days. He didn’t know what to do; once again Bruce refused to talk about whatever was going on with him. Jan briefly thought of skipping work and going to his mothers. No, he was a grown man, he had to stop running home to mommy. But he felt so alone, he had no other close friends. Except Davey. Though they hadn’t known one another long, the two men seemed to click immediately. The night before at Adrian and Dave’s apartment Jan had studiously avoided talking about his troubled relationship. He wanted to try to forget about it, pretend everything was fine, though he hadn’t really succeeded. He hadn’t fooled Dave or Ade either, he caught Dave looking at him speculatively several times while he was there, though he had been sensitive enough not to say anything aloud.

Struck with a sudden impulse, Jan dug into his wallet for the scrap of paper with Dave’s phone number on it, hoping the man hadn’t already left for work. He hadn’t, he answered the phone on the third ring.

“Hey Dave, it’s Janick. I was wondering if you could stop by the shop sometime today. I….I kinda need to talk to someone.”

Dave didn’t hesitate. “Sure, no problem. I get an hour off for lunch, I’ll be by sometime after eleven.”

“Thanks.” Jan felt a sense of relief. These worries were making him physically ill; he felt a faint nausea when he thought of how suddenly Bruce had changed, of how he had been happier than he had ever been only to suddenly be shunned by the man he loved more than anything.

Bruce clocked in at work but he felt like death warmed over. He started to work, going into the main area and scanning the newly arrived merchandise before it was stored on the shelves, but the pallets seemed endless and his head was pounding. By late morning he was woefully behind and lowered his device, sighing and laying his head against a stacked pallet, closing his eyes.

“Dickinson!” 

Bruce jumped, opening his eyes. It was the inventory supervisor, a man named Marty he had yet to have much interaction with.

“What’s wrong with you today?! You haven’t finished this shipment yet and there’s another being unloaded right now.”

“Don’t feel good.” Bruce mumbled. “Sorry, I’ll try to catch up.”

Marty was a scarecrow of a man with a reputation for eccentricity and he stepped closer, peering at Bruce. “You do look sick. Tell you what, mate. Go home, go to bed. I’ll pull someone from the logistics department to cover for you.”

That was the last thing Bruce expected to hear. “I can do it, I’ll work through lunch.”

“I told you to go home.” Marty let himself smile. “So go, before I change my mind!”

Still Bruce hesitated, but finally his pounding head convinced him. “Thanks, man. I’ll make it up to you.”

Marty just waved his hand in a dismissive gesture and Bruce stopped trying to argue about it. After clocking out and leaving the gate, though, he was at loose ends. His head was beginning to clear, the hangover fading to a dull throb. Behind him he heard a gaggle of voices and realized that some of the workers were going on their lunch break already. That gave him an idea. The music shop was about eight blocks away; maybe he should go to see Janick over lunch. Maybe if they were in a place like a music shop they could interact without him constantly envisioning Jan with Gerard. The images in his mind were driving him insane. He kept recalling what Cullen had said and what the arseholes in the grocery store had said about Jan; Jan loved sex and it seemed the whole town knew it. Visions would pop into his mind unbidden of Janick with Gerard, having sex. Sex in the van, sex in the dressing rooms, sex in the motel rooms, sex sex sex. It couldn’t go on, he couldn’t stand it. He set off walking in the direction of the music store.

 

Chapter Nine

 

Janick was taking the store’s quarterly inventory, glad for something that required his concentration, when Dave jumped off the bus across the street and entered the store.

“Hey, mate, am I early?”

Jan turned and put down his clipboard, glancing at the clock. It was later than he thought. “No, I’m technically on my lunch hour now. Come on into the break room.”

Jan was the only employee present at the store aside from Mitch the manager so they had the small back room to themselves. Jan got them each a coke from the vending machine and joined Dave at the table.

“Thanks for coming. It’s stupid, I know, but I didn’t want to burden my mum with my problems and I don’t really have many friends anymore since….well, since White Spirit broke up.”

“That’s all right, I’m kinda honored you thought to call me. Let me guess; this is about Bruce.”

Jan nodded, looking down at the coke can he was turning round and round in his hand. “I don’t know what to do, Dave. I don’t know how to get through to him. It’s starting to feel like….” he took a shaky breath, “like this is the end for us. Like he wants out of the relationship. Maybe I was just fooling myself all along thinking he could change.”

”I don’t know much about Bruce,” Dave admitted, “but I know he used to live a pretty…um, transient life. But from what I’ve seen at work, he seems to be really trying.”

“He was, yeah. Until last weekend.”

“What happened last weekend?”

“I don’t know!” Jan’s voice rose in exasperation and he threw his hands in the air. “We were….um, in bed and everything was great, then the next morning he didn’t even want to……” Jan’s voice trailed off and he looked away, fighting to regain control of his emotions. After a minute he continued, his voice quiet. “I don’t know how much you know about me, Dave but I have a kind of….reputation. People think I’m a pushover, that I let people walk all over me because all I want is….. because I want sex.” Jan flushed and lowered his eyes in embarrassment.

Dave’s face was solemn. “I don’t know anything about that, I’m from here originally but I’ve only been back about a year and a half. But I think that’s a bunch of bullshit! You aren’t like that, Janick. Are you saying you think Bruce has been using you for sex?”

“I don’t know.” Jan’s voice sounded hollow to his own ears. “Maybe.”

Dave looked across the table at his new friend. Jan looked more miserable than anyone he had ever seen, unhappiness was practically emanating from him. “You deserve better.” he said quietly.

Janick just shook his head. “Do I? Then how come this keeps happening to me?”

“Something like this has happened before?” Dave was surprised.

Jan gave a bitter half smile, “If you’d been in town you would know that.” and he proceeded to tell Dave a little about Gerard.

“Damn.” Dave breathed after Jan outlined the basics of his relationship with the dead drummer. “That’s rough, mate. I’m sorry, I really am.”

“It’s been hard, but I was finally getting over it after I got together with Bruce. When Gerry died I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be in a band again, but now I’m playing with you blokes at Steve’s pub and actually enjoying it. I was starting to think I could play professionally again, that there might be a future there for me. But now…..” he looked down and shook his head. 

Dave suddenly realized his lunch hour was almost over, he would have to hurry to catch the next bus back to the warehouse. “I wish I knew what to tell you, man.” He stood reluctantly and the two men left the break room, heading for the front door still talking quietly together. Jan followed Dave out onto the sidewalk. The weather was mild, spring was on the horizon, but it seemed to Jan that the sunshine and gentle breeze was mocking him. 

“You know you can come to me anytime, Jan. If you need to talk, even if you need a place to stay, call me.”

Dave looked at Jan, his electric blue eyes filled with empathy and Jan had to smile. “Thanks, man.” He pulled Dave in for a hug, feeling somewhat better already for having talked. Dave closed his arms around him, perhaps lingering for a few seconds longer than necessary but Jan appreciated the gesture. 

“Call me,” Dave called, then had to jog across the street where the bus was already pulled up. Jan turned and went back into the store.

Halfway down the block Bruce stood by a mail kiosk, feeling like he was unable to move. He just saw his friend Dave hugging his boyfriend. What was Dave even doing there? He had to be on his lunch hour but why go to the music shop? Bruce remembered the past few times they had all got together at Steve’s. Jan and Dave had been sitting together talking quietly, their heads close at every break, at every pause in the playing. He’d simply assumed they were just working on the music. Jan had mentioned in passing that he was helping Davey with his playing. But was that all they’d been doing? That hug had seemed to last a little too long.

Bruce hesitated, undecided. He still felt like shit and now his heart hurt as badly as his head. Was this what he had to go through to live a decent, respectable life? Did he have to endure this uncertainty, these doubts and heartaches? If so, was it worth it? Then he thought of Janick. He thought of the indescribable feeling of being in love, of feeling like he existed only to be with the other person, that the purpose of every breath he took and every move he made was to see Jan’s smile, to smell his hair and feel it silky between his fingers. Yes, goddamn it, it was worth it! Swallowing his pride, Bruce forced himself to walk on and enter the music store.

Jan was back doing inventory, kneeling on the floor next to a display of drumsticks. He didn’t turn when the bell over the door tinkled. Mitch was there, he could take care of customers and he was behind in the inventory, having spent most of the morning distracted and losing his place frequently. He visibly jumped when Bruce dropped to sit on the floor next to him. He turned, the surprise on his face was almost shock.

“You were right this morning.” Bruce said simply. “We need to talk.”

Jan simply stared. Bruce’s amber brown eyes were clear and unflinching, his expression deadly serious. A fear clenched Jan’s heart that Bruce was here to break up with him. When he gathered his wits Jan just nodded once then rose and went over to where Mitch was doing the books behind the register. Bruce stood but stayed where he was. His heart was hammering in his throat as he watched Jan exchange a few words with the store manager, then return to his side.

“Okay, I’ve got the afternoon off.” Jan’s face was closed off, his expression guarded as he looked at Bruce. 

“Let’s go home, I don’t want to talk here.” Bruce reached out toward Jan as though to take his arm, then thought better of it and the two walked outside, Jan grabbing his jacket on the way. There wasn’t another bus going their way for half an hour so they walked, Jan’s long legs striding purposefully, his posture rigid as he looked neither right nor left. 

Bruce glanced over at his companion, wanting to say something but having no idea what. They finally came across a stop with a bus going to their neighborhood and Jan wordlessly climbed on, not looking to see whether Bruce was following. As luck would have it, there were no seats together so Bruce sat several rows behind Jan, feeling more and more trepidation the closer they got to their stop. Jan exited first but Bruce was happy to see he was waiting for him on the sidewalk. As soon as he joined him, however, he turned and headed home, leaving Bruce to follow. Bruce knew what this behavior meant. Jan was hurt, he was very hurt and was holding himself in firm check.

As he passed the space at the bottom of the stairs where they had had their tryst, where they had been unable to wait to have one another long enough to even climb the stairs, Bruce had to avert his eyes. The twist of pain in his chest was so sharp it reminded him of the stab to his shoulder. He looked ahead but that didn’t help because all he saw then was Jan’s perfect arse ascending the stairs in front of him.

Once they were in the apartment Jan closed the door then turned to face Bruce with his arms folded and a carefully neutral expression on his face. Bruce was at a loss for words. There was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t know where to begin. He couldn’t stand the look in Jan’s eyes. He finally lowered his gaze and turned away.

“I….I’m sorry, Jan.” he finally managed, his voice so low it was a wonder Jan even heard him. He heard, Bruce could tell, but he didn’t react. He forced himself to go on. "Something…. happened the other night and I didn’t handle it well. I’m still not handling it well."

“What happened?” Jan finally spoke and Bruce could tell he was keeping a tight rein on his voice.

It took him a minute to reply. “Jan, I……. I don’t feel like I can compete.”

Jan looked puzzled. “Compete? With what?”

“With Gerard.” Bruce’s voice was barely audible and he looked down. “With your memories of Gerard. You’re not over losing him, Jan. I sometimes wonder if you ever will be.”

Jan looked completely puzzled. Whatever he had been expecting Bruce to say, it wasn’t this. His posture relaxed a bit and he took a few steps further into the room. “Tell me what the fuck you’re talking about, Bruce. We’ve been together almost two months so why are you suddenly so worried about Gerry?”

Bruce opened his mouth but choked off the words he was about to say and simply shrugged. He sank down on the couch. To his relief Jan came over and sat as well, only at the far end of the couch

“Why, Bruce?”

Bruce took a breath and turned to face Jan squarely. “Saturday night when we were making love, you….. you cried out Gerard’s name.”

Jan’s jaw dropped, a look of complete devastation on his face. “Oh my God!” he gasped. “Bruce, I…..I didn’t know I did that! I…. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Tears sparkled in Jan’s eyes and Bruce had to look away again, looking down at his hands in his lap.

“I didn’t want to tell you. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, you didn’t even notice you said it. And I know I’m stupid for letting it get to me. But Jan,” he raised his eyes again, “ever since we’ve been together it feels like Gerard is right there between us!”

Jan sat speechless, completely flummoxed. He shook his head.

“I had no idea you felt that way!” he finally managed to say. “I don’t understand it. You’ve been with so many more people than I ever have….”

“But I’ve never been in love before, Jan! It makes a difference, it makes all the difference in the world! It’s even worse because Gerard is dead. I feel like his ghost is always looking down on us, I can never be sure….” he trailed off.

“Be sure of what? Be sure that I love you? Be sure that I’m not wishing you were him?” Jan was exasperated and a little agitated now. “Bruce, he’s dead, he’s been dead for two years! And he …..” Jan’s voice choked and he turned away.

Bruce found himself moving closer, feeling he’d had a big mistake in telling Jan what he’d said that night. “Jan, I…..”

Jan whirled on him, “Ger was awful to me, Bruce! You know that, or I thought you knew! He tore me down and made me feel like all I was good for was a quick fuck! He lied to me and cheated on me for years! Do you think I would prefer that to you!?” He was almost angry, it was as close to angry as Bruce had yet seen him. “You made me feel good about myself again, you made me feel like I’m worth something then you suddenly turned cold on me. You could have talked to me!”

Bruce felt shame burn through him, the guilt over the past few days overwhelming him. “I’m always afraid to talk to you about Gerard. I’m always afraid of how you’ll react.” He confessed.

“How do you think I’ll react!? Do you think I’ll break down crying if I as much as hear his name!? Do you really have so little faith in what me and you have together?”

Bruce looked down. He didn’t know how to answer. He shook his head, “I don’t know, Janick. I thought I did, but ever since you…. you said that I don’t know what to think.”

Jan’s voice was thick with emotion now, “So because I accidently said something I didn’t mean, you doubt me now.” It was a statement not a question, and Bruce didn’t deny it.

After a minute Jan spoke again. “You know what we went through when I went to stay at my Mums. I doubted you then. I’m still learning to deal with that, Bruce. I’m still learning to trust.” 

“I guess we’re both haunted by ghosts of our pasts, then.” Bruce said quietly. “I thought I could put all this behind us. My past, your past, I thought we could get beyond all of that and start fresh, just you and me. Start a new life together. I guess I was just being stupid!” Bruce got up abruptly and started pacing, feeling Jan’s eyes boring into him.

“Do you….” Jan’s voice was hesitant, “do you think there’s any hope for us?”

A rush of emotion came over Bruce so strong his breath caught. “I love you, Jan. I love you so damn much!” his voice broke and he found himself kneeling in front of Jan before he was conscious of moving. He reached out and laid a hand gently on Jan’s knee. “I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to doubt you, I don’t want to be jealous of a dead man! I sure as hell don’t want to hurt you. I just want us both to break free of everything that happened before we met.”

Jan slowly raised his head. His cheeks were tear-streaked and his lips were trembling. “I love you too, Brucie. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. That’s the truth. But is it enough?”

 

“It has to be enough,” Bruce was looking up into those stormy gray eyes now. “It has to be, because it’s everything!”

 

Chapter Ten

 

The two of them talked all that afternoon. They talked long about things they had never revealed to one another before. Jan told Bruce more about how things had been with Gerard and as hard as it was for him to hear it, Bruce listened. Jan told him of the feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy he’d endured, the pain of being cast aside whenever something new caught Gerard’s fancy only to have him come back around turning on the charm, seducing him when he tired of his new pursuits. Jan was always there and Gerard knew it, he knew that no matter what he did Jan would forgive him and take him back. It was hard for Jan to talk about those times, it brought back all the anguish he’d been trying to bury and though he tried not to, he cried. 

Bruce had to reach out and pull him close, comforting him wordlessly by holding him tightly and unconsciously trying to will away the unhappiness Jan had suffered. Then Bruce found himself telling him of the uncertain times after his father left his mother. Of how his mother had tried and tried to find work but she had little education and no training or experience. After a year or so she turned to prostitution, sending Bruce out to play in the street for a few hours each night while she ‘worked’ out of their bedsit. Then she fell ill. It was pancreatic cancer; six weeks after she was diagnosed she was gone. What followed was two years of foster homes. Cold, detached families and other strange kids he had nothing in common with. Finally he was placed in a foster home where the father came into Bruce’s room one night, waking him by groping him beneath the blankets. Bruce ran away the very next day and lived on the streets from that day forward. 

Bruce didn’t cry but Janick knew he wanted to and he held him anyway, feeling the unspoken misery beneath Bruce’s words. Bruce clung to him, feeling a relief he hadn’t anticipated at having put those memories into words for the first time in his life. Jan’s nurturing nature came out then; it was instinctive with him, it was the aspect of his character that led him to volunteering. He held Bruce close to his chest as they sat back on the couch, his hand on the back of Bruce head and his other hand stroking his hair, not speaking but they didn’t need to. 

Neither of them realized that the afternoon had passed. It was cathartic for them both and it brought them closer, they were each wrestling with their particular demons but genuinely sharing them for the first time. At last Bruce realized the room was growing dark and he reached over to turn on the lamp next to the couch. 

“I wonder if I haven’t gone about building a relationship with you all wrong,” he continued, speaking what came into his mind as he grew more comfortable with sharing feelings he’d kept repressed for so long. “I have no experience in this kind of thing, but I should have shown you from the very start that I value you for a lot more than just sex.”

“You have shown me, Bruce.” 

Bruce shook his head, “I should have…. I don’t know, taken you out for dinner or something. Maybe I rushed into the physical part of it. We slept together the first night we realized how we felt about one another.”

“I’m as guilty of that as you are.” Jan gave sort if a half laugh, “maybe more so. I am known for…. that.”

Bruce turned to face him, “You’re making too much of that, love! So what if a few people think you’re, er, especially horny!! I know better.”

“Do you?” Jan’s voice was quiet and reflective. “How can you? It seems like I’m always trying to get in your pants; sometimes it’s all I can think about. Surely that isn’t healthy in a relationship, not if I want to show how serious I am about you.”

Bruce smiled and pulled Jan a bit closer, “There isn’t anything wrong with expressing how you feel that way! I love it when you show me how much you want me!”

“Still, I wonder how we would get along if we didn’t focus so much on sex? Maybe…..maybe it would be good for us if we didn’t sleep together for a while.”

Bruce felt a sharp pang of disappointment, though he understood Jan’s concerns. “If that’s what you want, we can try that. I’ll do anything to make you feel better about yourself and if that’s what it takes, then it’s okay.” 

Jan’s eyes were serious and intense, “I think I want to see if I can do it. I went for a long time turning off that side of myself, pretending I didn’t want it after Gerard died. Now that I’ve found you it’s almost like I’m trying to make up for lost time and it’s getting in the way of other things, like the way we’re talking together right now,”

 

Bruce squeezed his hand, “You’re so much more than that! Maybe you’re right. I know we ordinarily wouldn’t have sat here all afternoon without necking and eventually fucking. How long do you want to do this? And do you want me to sleep on the couch for a while?”

“Do… do you think we could sleep in the same bed without fooling around?” Jan asked hesitantly. “Like, for a week or so? Just to see if we can?”

Bruce wasn’t sure he would be able to keep his hands to himself but aloud he said, “I think we can try. But I know I’m going to want you; I always want you.”

“I’ll want you too, I want you right now! But that’s what makes it a challenge.”

Bruce leaned to give him a chaste kiss, “Can I still kiss you?”

“Oh, Bruce, you can always kiss me.” Jan’s smile made Bruce feel like he was melting and he took the other man in his arms, just holding him. His body was reacting to Jan’s closeness, to the smell of his hair and the warmth of his skin, but Bruce strove to maintain control. This was going to be difficult but he would do his best, for Jan’s sake. Jan needed to build his self-esteem, he needed to know he was valuable for himself and not just as a sex object.

They sat there in one another’s arms for a few minutes then Bruce spoke very softly in Jan’s ear. “Do you know what I’ve never done in my life?”

Jan drew back just a few inches to look at him. “What?”

Bruce felt almost silly for saying this, “I’ve never been on a date. Not a real date, where I take someone out to eat and maybe to a movie or something. I want to take you on a date, Jan.”

Jan smiled, there was humor in the smile but also love and appreciation. “I’d love that! I dated a bit in school before I got together with Gerard but it was always awkward and uncomfortable. I felt out of place. I wouldn’t feel that way with you.”

“I hope not!” Bruce chuckled. He glanced at the clock in the kitchen. “So, would you like to out to dinner tonight?”

“Tonight!?” Janick was surprised, then he noticed that it wasn’t quite seven in the evening yet. “All right! If you’ll give me a few minutes to get ready.”

“Take all the time you need.” He pulled Jan to him again for another hug. He felt good about this, he realized as Jan retreated into the bathroom for a quick shower. This is how it’s supposed to be done; the is how it was going to be done. In the bottom of his heart he knew that he wanted something permanent with Jan, perhaps a lifelong commitment. He had felt like that almost from the beginning, though they had only talked about it a time or two while he was in the hospital. They had made no promises then, it was all sort of idealistic and abstract, but the longer they were together the more certain Bruce was that he couldn’t even contemplate life without him.

While Jan was showering Bruce changed into some of the better clothes he’s bought with his first paycheck – a dark gray button-up shirt and black jeans. Fortunately his hairbrush was on the end table so he was brushing his long hair to a sheen when Jan emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel. Out of deference to their new celibacy he quickly ducked into the bedroom, thinking Bruce hadn’t seen his partial nudity. Bruce had seen but he didn’t let on, though as always the quick glimpse of Jan’s wiry frame and creamy skin stirred something in him. A week, he thought. Sleeping next to Jan for a week but unable to make love to him. He’d agreed to this arrangement and understood Jan’s reasons for suggesting it, but it wasn’t going to be easy. 

He ducked into the bathroom for a quick shave before Jan came out, then he stopped short, looking at the man before him. His blonde hair drying into waves and he wore dark blue Levi’s and an olive green Henley shirt, and to Bruce he looked beautiful, especially since it was obvious Jan had taken care with his appearance. He’d never seen Jan wear those clothes before and he vaguely remembered his mother giving them to him for Christmas.

Swallowing, he smiled, “Are you ready?”

Completely clueless about what people do on dates other than what he’d seen in the media, Bruce improvised as he went along that evening. He chose a low key restaurant that he wouldn’t have thought of entering a mere six months before, then they walked along the downtown area toward the river, stopping in for a pint at one of the pubs Bruce was unfamiliar with. There was a walkway along the river well lit with lamps so they found a bench and sat looking across the water and talking in a desultory way about whatever came to mind. Bruce enjoyed himself more than he expected to and he knew it was because of the company, he and Jan were so in sync that sometimes he felt that words weren’t necessary. 

As they walked toward home Bruce took Jan’s hand and he knew that ordinarily he would be looking forward to jumping his bones the minute they were in the door. He forced his mind away from those thoughts and he sensed that Jan knew this and appreciated it. It was very strange to sleep next to one another yet keep his hands above the waist, eventually falling asleep with the blonde against his shoulder and an erection he was trying to ignore.

 

  
Chapter Eleven

 

The rest of that week was much the same, though they didn’t go out to dinner they did go round to a local pub for a pint or two in the evenings after work. Bruce began to understand that their lying together but not having sex was just as difficult for Jan as it was for him, if not more so, and he had to respect his partners resolve. One night they had gone to sleep after sharing a kiss that had threatened to go out of control, and Bruce was awakened by Janick’s movements in the night. At first he merely rolled over to attempt to get back to sleep but he became aware that Jan was dreaming, muttering something in his sleep. Then he heard his name. His name, not Gerard’s. Jan was moving restlessly, and moved up against Bruce, again saying his name. Bruce realized then what sort of dream Jan was having, he felt his arousal against his hip through the jersey pants Jan wore to bed then he moved his hips with a sort of moan. ‘Oh God’, Bruce thought, instantly becoming aroused himself. He wanted to reach out to Jan, reach and grasp him and bring him to orgasm and he almost did it, telling himself that Janick probably wouldn’t even awaken; he was dreaming of sex and would probably think Bruce’s touch was just part of the dream. He went as far as to press against Jan, causing another low moan, then the matter was resolved without him having to do a thing. He suddenly felt a warm wetness against his hip and with a bit of a shock he realized that Jan had climaxed in his sleep. 

This was too much for Bruce, he couldn’t stand it. He slipped out of bed as quietly as he could and hurried into the bathroom, masturbating to a strong orgasm within minutes. Jan was sleeping peacefully went he got back to bed and he fell asleep himself almost instantly. Janick may or may not have realized what happened when he woke in the morning, but he didn’t comment on it.

On Saturday they took the bus to meet with the others at The British Lion and this meeting was to be more of a band meeting than a jam session. By this time they had all begun to think of themselves as a band-in-the-making and the past couple of times they had gotten together Steve had hinted broadly that they should take their get togethers more seriously and approach them as rehearsals. Adrian and Dave were the only ones aside from Bruce who had no experience whatsoever in playing before an audience, and even Bruce had playing to groups of twenty or thirty at times while busking. Bruce was aware that Jan was still helping Dave overcome his reservations about his playing, Dave stopped by the music shop most days after work and Jan worked with him to try to build his confidence. Bruce never told Jan that he’d seen Dave hug him that day, he felt it would seem like jealousy, and Jan made no secret of Dave’s visits so he knew there was nothing to be jealous about, but still there was something about the hug he’d witnessed that bothered him, though he couldn’t put his finger on it.

They got off the bus just as Adrian and Dave pulled up and they walked inside together, Jan and Dave talking animatedly about some chord progressions Dave felt he needed to work on. Bruce and Adrian merely chatted somewhat stiffly about work. Adrian was a reserved man and Bruce didn’t know him well so they knew of very little they had in common aside from work.

They were earlier than usual and there were few patrons in the pub as of yet so Steve ushered them into the back room where Nicko was already going through some warm-up patterns on the drums. Steve clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention.

“Right, now I know some of us don’t feel like we’re ready but I think it’s time we stop fucking around and get more serious about this. I don’t have any music contacts in this area except for your boss, Janick; Johnny up in Newcastle. He’s been waiting to hear more from you and Bruce so when I told him you’ve been playing with us he was interested so I played him some of our sessions I recorded on my phone. He says he can get us some gigs in some of the clubs he owns interest in around the area. And I told him to do it.”

There was a chorus of protests, including some surprise that Steve had been recording their sessions, but the bulk of the comments were declarations that they weren’t ready to take the stage.

“Then we’ll have to get ready.” Steve said in his matter-of -fact way, “because our first gig is two weeks from tonight, in York.”

 

“What?!” Dave exclaimed, and even the easygoing Nicko grumbled a little.

“Why would you commit us to something like that without discussing it with us first?” Adrian asked, and Bruce nodded in agreement. It did seem a little high-handed of Steve.

“Because I knew you would keep putting it off and saying you aren’t ready and if we’re really serious about this we have to stop fucking around sometime. And if any of you aren’t serious, now is the time to say so.”

Steve, they were learning, could be a bit autocratic but what he said made sense; if it was left up to them some of them would keep putting it off forever. As it was, no one spoke up and said they weren’t serious, though Dave looked a little uneasy. Janick leaned close to him and spoke to him quietly. Bruce knew he was offering the other man support and Dave did look a little calmer, but when he clasped Jan on the shoulder in appreciation Bruce got that strange feeling again. It was jealousy, he knew, and he knew he was being foolish but it felt the same as when Jan called out Gerard’s name. Bruce was learning he was fiercely possessive and jealous and it wasn’t something he necessarily liked about himself.

Having been in bands before, Steve, Nicko, and Janick worked out a rehearsal schedule for them that they felt would give them adequate practice before this looming first gig. They got down to some serious, disciplined practice that night in the pub but they all knew that while that was great for just jamming and fucking about they needed a private place to concentrate solely on the music. Unexpectedly, Adrian spoke up. He was a local and had family in the area and he thought he could work out something with an uncle who had a cinder block storage building that he wasn’t using. He promised to look into it and let them know as soon as possible.

They stayed late, slowed down somewhat by Steve’s occasional absences to take care of pub business, but by the time he and Jan caught the last bus home Bruce was feeling encouraged. He had never been intimidated by singing in public and while it would be somewhat different in a club he didn’t expect to be nervous. Janick was excited too, he had been especially enthusiastic with the guitar that night, employing the techniques that Bruce knew were uniquely his and getting so wrapped up in the music he danced and twirled in the limited space they had available. Bruce tried to remain unaffected by it but it was like trying to hold back the tide. When Jan had a guitar in his hands he became a part of the music and his body was an extension of the guitar, blatantly but unintentionally sexual in the way he moved. Bruce had been half hard for most of the evening and riding home on the bus sitting close to Jan didn’t make the situation any better.

He wasn’t aware of it but he was looking at Jan with an unmistakable look of lust in his eyes and as soon as they exited the bus Jan pointed it out.

“Brucie, I can read you like a book. You’ve always said that it does something to you to see me play. If I was doing something to make you…umm, horny, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry! You’re just being you, and you turn me on no matter what you do! You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to try to break our agreement.” They still had four more days to go to fulfill the one-week goal they had set for themselves.

“I know. I just feel like this whole agreement was a dumb idea. Davey thinks we’re crazy for withholding sex.”

“Davey? You told him about it?!” Bruce was more than a little surprised, he felt that this was something personal between the two of them.

Jan gave a little shrug, “He asked how things are going between us. It was pretty obvious to everyone that we were going through a rough patch last week.”

“Yeah, but to talk to him about our sex life….” Bruce shook his head and tried not to let it bother him. He couldn’t help it, he was already uneasy about Dave and Jan’s growing friendship.

“I guess you’re right, it is kind of personal but I didn’t think of it like that. He was just concerned.”

Bruce got a mental image of the hug he had witnessed between the two of them but he pushed it away with an effort and reached over to take Jan’s hand. “It’s okay, I guess. And he thinks we’re crazy for doing this? It’s only for a week. It’s not crazy if it’s something you feel you need to do.”

They’d reached their building then and were climbing the stairs, “I want to feel like I’m worth more than that, you know?”

Bruce nodded, unlocking the apartment door. “That’s why you need to do it, then. As for me, I already know you’re worth much more than that. The sex is fantastic but I love just being with you, no matter what we’re doing.”

They sat on the couch and Jan scooted over to hug Bruce, “I love being with you too, Brucie. And I love having sex with you.”

“I love it too, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Jan was looking at him steadily. “No, there isn’t.” and he slowly, deliberately leaned to kiss Bruce, a long, deep kiss with very clear sexual overtones, his tongue finding Bruce’s and twirling around it in a way that always made Bruce think of the other things Jan could do with that tongue.

“You’re not making it easier by doing that!” he sort of gasped when they parted.

Jan leaned back reluctantly. “I know, I’m sorry but it’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be and it’s only been a few days. We went much longer than this when I was staying at my Mum’s last month.”

“Yeah but then I could masturbate.” Bruce smirked naughtily.

“Who says you can’t now?” Jan’s eyes lit up as the mental image crossed his mind.

“Umm, maybe I have. Just once.” 

Jan giggled, “Well, I haven’t.”

“That you know of!” Bruce chuckled.

 

“I think I would know! Unless….” He gasped as he remembered the morning he’d awakened to sticky pajamas, an incident he had sleepily all but forgotten until now. “Brucie! Are you saying I…..?”

 

Bruce had to laugh at the expression on his lover’s face, a mix of embarrassment and titillation. “It’s just a natural thing to happen. And…,” he reached out and pulled Jan close again, “you were moaning my name in your sleep!”

 

Jan burst into laughter then, hiding his flushed face in the crook of Bruce’s neck. “Bruce! Are you serious?”

“It was incredibly hot. And,” he kissed the top of Jan’s head, then when the blonde looked up he softly kissed his lips, “it meant a lot, too, knowing you were dreaming about me.”

“I dream about you sometimes,” Jan admitted with a smile, “but they aren’t always that kind of dream.” He reached up and laid his hand along Bruce’s face. “You’re the most important part of my life even when I’m asleep.”

“ This week of no sex wouldn’t seem like very long at all to some people, but because it’s you and I want you almost constantly, it’s difficult for me too.”

“Thanks for putting up with this whim, Brucie!” Jan said softly, his hand still warm on Bruce’s cheek. “It means a lot to me.”

“If it’s important to you then it’s important to me, so I don’t think of it as a whim. You are worth waiting for and I’ll wait as long as you want to make love to you again.” He folded his arms around his slim lover and they sat there just holding one another for a while, then went to bed where they fell asleep still in each other’s arms. Sex or no sex, Bruce thought drowsily as he drifted off to sleep, he was happier than he ever thought possible.

 

 

Chapter Twelve

 

The next day was Saturday and they were just about to go over to Louise’s as was their usual Saturday routine when Steve called. They had just exchanged numbers the night before and now it was becoming obvious to Bruce how quickly this whole band idea was moving. Adrian had arranged for the use of his uncle’s building and Steve needed everyone to help move the equipment there from the pub. Jan called his Mum and said they would be over Sunday instead then they all met up at The British Lion. Steve had a van he used for the business and they repurposed it to transport the gear, which took several trips and all afternoon to do. Adrian’s uncle’s building was nicer than any of them expected, it had once been used as storage for his uncles tire store but he sold the business and the building had been sitting vacant. It was as large as a two car garage and while it wasn’t heated it was snug and dry. Most importantly, though, the wiring could handle the sound equipment which, between all of them, was a considerable amount

They worked into the evening setting up and hooking everything up, making the necessary adjustments to the new space, then despite having put in a day’s heavy labor Steve wanted to get a couple of hours rehearsal in. They all knew it was important to get in as much practice as possible so no one complained. Adrian was adjusting quite well to working with the other two guitarists but Dave was still somewhat hesitant and more than once that evening Bruce noticed Jan coaching him, once going as far as to place his hand over Dave’s on the frets to show him a position that would be easier on his wrist. Dave was a good guitarist and they all knew that, except perhaps for Dave who seemed to lack confidence in his skill.

As they rode home Jan talked of the evening’s work and he mentioned Dave’s progress.

“He’s got real talent, and I keep telling him that but he’s already worried about playing on a stage. I know he’ll forget about everything as soon he starts playing. I’ll have to work some more with him.”

Bruce didn’t comment, he knew anything he said could be construed as jealousy and he didn’t want that. Jan was animated, he was always pumped with adrenaline after playing and Bruce didn’t want to bring him down, especially since he knew he shouldn’t be jealous. It was good for Jan to have friends, it was a positive thing for him after having become a near- recluse after Gerard’s death. Forming a bond with the other band members could only be good for them all and Bruce knew he should be trying harder to get close to then others, but his focus was only on Jan.

They were able to spend Sunday afternoon at Jan’s mum’s but aside from that it felt like the next few days were a blur. After work they separately took the bus to the rehearsal building, meeting with the others there as they each trickled in then rehearsing until nearly midnight, only to go home and return to do it all again the next day. Bruce was glad, though; he was very serious about developing his singing voice and it also passed the time more quickly, especially since it was late and they were exhausted by the time they fell into bed. They would hold one another and exchanged sleepy kisses but even though Bruce felt the inevitable spark of desire at Jan’s touch he was so tired he didn’t regret being unable to act on it.

 

They were both keenly aware, though, that on Thursday their week of celibacy was up. As they had toast that morning before Bruce had to leave for work he noticed Jan looking at him and he smiled. 

“I don’t care what Steve might say, we are going to leave rehearsal early tonight. We’re going out to dinner and then,” he got up and went to sit next to Jan on the couch, taking the coffee cup from his hand and setting it aside, ‘”then we’re coming home and I’m going to make love to you all night long! !” He pulled Jan to him and kissed him; it was intended to be a promise of things to come but they both let it swept them away, lingering, deepening until finally they pulled apart, each a bit breathless.

“I don’t want to wait until tonight!” Jan gasped.

“Neither do I, but I dare not be late for work and I’ve got to leave now.” He put his hand in the back of Jan’s head, threading his fingers through his hair as he gave him one more kiss. “Damn, this is going to be a long day!” Jan giggled a little but moved away to allow Bruce to leave. He had to jog to the bus stop, he was almost late.

The day felt interminable for them both. Bruce was sick to death of scanning shipments but as of yet his physical therapist hadn’t approved him to resume his old job. He had been skipping physical therapy sessions recently, he knew he shouldn’t but having returned to work the sessions had to be scheduled for evenings and he was spending most evenings at rehearsal now. 

Jan spent the day distracted. Thankfully it was a slow time of year for the shop and Mitch gave him small tasks between customers; organizing the merchandise, tuning new stringed instruments before they were put on display, or general store upkeep. If there was nothing else, Jan would take down one of the guitars and play.

He was doing that just before lunchtime when to his surprise Dave walked in. He greeted him warmly.

“I didn’t expect to see you, mate.”

“I know, I had a dental appointment so they let me have half the morning off. D’you have a few minutes? I’m not sure I have the DADGAD tuning right.”

“Sure.” The two went into the back where Jan went over the subtleties of dropping the chords. “You have this, you’re doing it perfect” Jan said after a few minutes. “You don’t really need my help, you know.”

Dave gave a little shrug, “Maybe not, but can’t I still come by and hang out? I like you, Janick.”

“Of course you can come by anytime you want, I like you too.” As Jan looked up from the guitar he was holding Dave took his face between his hands and kissed him, catching him completely by surprise.

“Dave, wha….?” He said when the other man moved back. The kiss was a light one but solidly on the lips and in spite of himself Jan’s body reacted to it. His mind had been drifting toward sex all day and the ending of his week-long abstention, daydreaming of what he and Bruce would be doing that night so his libido was already primed. He felt instantly guilty for the little flutter of desire the otherwise innocent kiss had stirred in him but more alarming was the fact that Dave had kissed him at all. “What was that all about?” he managed to ask.

Dave looked somewhat embarrassed and looked down, toying with the pick in his hand. “I…..I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about.”

“You’ve been thinking about kissing me?!” Jan was stunned. He had never suspected Dave had these kinds of feelings for him, or that he fancied men at all.

Dave was still looking down, “I told you, I like you.”

“Yeah, but….,” Jan was trying to get a handle on how to deal with this. He liked and respected Dave as a friend but he had to discourage him without hurting his feelings. “You know I’m with Bruce!”

Dave looked up then, his wide blue eyes guileless, “Yeah, and I know you two have been having problems. It seems like you’ve been having problems ever since I’ve known you. You shouldn’t have to go through that, Janick. Especially considering how you said your old boyfriend was. You deserve…. you deserve to be treated right!”

“I’m flattered, Dave, I really am. You’re a great guy, but I’m in love with Bruce. We’re working through things just like anyone in a new relationship, but we’re doing good.”

Dave nodded, still looking down. “I understand. I shouldn’t have kissed you, that was just an impulse. Let’s forget it ever happened, okay.”

“I don’t want to forget about it, Dave.” Jan had to smile. “It was a nice compliment! We can move past it, though, and still be good friends, okay?”

Dave raised his eyes then, “Are you going to tell Bruce I hit on you?”

Jan laughed a little, “There’s nothing to tell, nothing happened! Now c’mon, let's go over that solo you were worried about.”

Dave was visibly relieved that Jan was being so nonchalant about the incident and he gladly went back to practicing for the next several minutes until he had to get back to work. After he left, though, Jan sat lost in thought. He was still in a kind of shock about Dave’s overture, though he hid it well from the other man. He hadn’t been lying, he was flattered, but he had to be honest and admit he’d briefly felt something more; a flicker, just a momentary glimmer, of interest. Dave was a good-looking man, always smiling, upbeat, and a lot of fun to be around; they had gotten on well from the day they met. Jan had never thought of him romantically but he couldn’t help but wonder how he might feel if he wasn’t with Bruce.

Thinking of Bruce, though, brought him back to looking forward to the evening ahead and the afternoon seemed to drag until he finally found himself getting off the bus at the rundown industrial area where Bruce worked. Bruce was lingering on the sidewalk near the stop waiting for him and his smile upon seeing Jan approach made Jan’s heart pound.

To Jan’s relief Dave didn’t act any differently toward him than usual during rehearsals, though Steve didn’t look happy when he and Bruce told him they were leaving early.

“I hope you two won’t make a habit of this,” he’d grumbled. “We need every bit of practice we can get. I’ll be damned if I’ll go onstage with a band that isn’t ready!” 

”D’you think we want that, Steve?” Bruce asked the bassist, trying to keep his voice level. It irked him that Steve questioned their commitment to this venture.

“I suppose not,” the other man admitted, “but we need to sync the vocals and we need you for that so we’ll have to put in a long session tomorrow night!”

“We’ll be here as late as you need us,” Jan assured him. They left just after eight, it was almost dark outside and the area was deserted so they walked hand-in-hand to the bus and sat together in the back even though the bus had only a few other passengers.

“You know I can’t help remembering that bus ride home from Newcastle every time I get on a bus!” Bruce smiled at Jan.

Jan laughed softly, “I do too. Who would have thought that riding a bus would make me horny!”

“Doing anything at all with you makes me horny,” Bruce said, his voice low and he moved their clasped hands to rest on Jan’s thigh. They didn’t do anything more than hold hands though, Bruce was very conscious of Jan’s need to feel he had value as more than a sex object and he was determined to remove all doubt in his lover’s mind by treating him with deference and respect. With that in mind they left the bus at a stop near city center and they went to a nearby quiet seafood restaurant for dinner. The conversation was easy and relaxed but they each knew in the back of their mind how this evening would end and there were a few unconsciously smoldering looks exchanged.

Jan protested the cost of their meal when Bruce insisted on picking up the bill but Bruce was surprised at how little of his paycheck he required for personal expenses. Even after contributing to the rent and utilities he had been able to put aside some money from each paycheck, getting an unexpected feeling of accomplishment whenever he did. Going out to dinner was no burden, and after the meal they walked to the river again as they had on their last date. Now that spring had arrived the nights were milder, and they sat together on a park bench, talking inevitably about the band. Bruce wanted to know Jan’s thoughts on what they expected from this venture, but Jan was thoughtful and didn’t reply right away. 

“I used to want to make it big,” he finally said, speaking softly as he looked at Bruce by his side. “It was all I ever thought about from the time I first learned to play guitar. But now I don’t feel that driving need to prove myself that I felt then. I love being in a band again and I’ll be happy if we can earn some money from it but if it doesn’t take off I won’t be heartbroken. But what about you? With your voice you could be a star, Bruce. What do you hope for?”

Bruce had gone through this in his mind ever since learning they had a gig scheduled. It suddenly felt real, like they were no longer just fucking around, and he was forced to wonder where it would lead.

“For all I know this gig could be our first and our last. Steve seems to think we have potential, Johnny seems to think we have potential, but we won’t know until we try.” He fell silent, looking at the lights reflecting in the calm waters of the river and stroking his thumb across the back of Jan’s hand. “I don’t have any real skills,” he continued after a moment, “so if I can sing I should make some use of it and try to make some money for us, but I don’t have any desire to make records and go on world tours or anything. If it happens, it happens, but all that really matters is that we’re together.”

Jan turned his hand in Bruce’s and threaded their fingers together, squeezing slightly. “We will be together, no matter what. I can’t imagine a future without you in it.”

Bruce raised Jan’s hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it. “I can’t either. I think about that sometimes, you know? About our future together. I mentioned it when I woke up in the hospital but we haven’t really talked about it since. It seems like there’s always something else going on.”

Dave’s words flashed through Jan’s mind. ‘It seems like you and Bruce have been having problems ever since I’ve known you’ Dave had said, and if he thought objectively Jan could understand why someone would think that. “There’s other stuff going on, he admitted, “but that’s always there beneath the surface. I tried not to think like that for a long while, I didn’t want to start imagining a future with you only to wake up one day and find you’ve moved on. But I’m not afraid of that happening anymore.”

“Good.” Bruce said softly. He knew that was a huge step for Jan to say that and he could tell he meant it. “Because that’s not going to happen. You’re stuck with me for as long as you want me.”

“I want you forever,” Jan’s voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper, like he was almost reluctant to say it out loud. But Bruce heard it and felt the significance of it. 

“Then I’ll be with you forever.” he replied, and he felt his eyes grow moist. This was a commitment and they both realized that. It was the first time Bruce had ever put anything like that into words and it didn’t feel as frightening as he would once have believed. It felt good and right and natural. They sat there a few minutes, not speaking but looking at one another, then Bruce stood and pulled Jan to his feet. “Let’s go home.”

Their speculative mood continued during the ride home. They each felt the significance of having voiced their devotion to one another but beneath that there was a growing awareness of the simmering desire building between them. When they got off at their stop they wordlessly looked at each other, broke into laughter , and ran hand in hand to their building. Once they were inside, however, Bruce didn’t grab Janick and drag him into the bedroom, although the thought certainly crossed his mind. Instead he cupped his lover’s face gently and gave him a kiss that was tender yet fairly humming with emotion. He was acutely aware of everything about Janick in that moment; the taste of his lips, the scent of his hair, the warmth of his skin, even the faint heartbeat against his chest as he pulled Jan close.

Jan was reluctant to break the kiss and when he did he pressed a few more light, lingering kisses to Bruce’s face. They went into the bedroom without speaking and despite how desperately he wanted Jan, Bruce felt as though he was in an almost dreamlike state, like he’d had too much to drink except he was drunk on Janick. Janick was so in sync with him that he responded in the same way almost without being aware of it, his hands smoothing over Bruce’s back as they lay down on the bed then traveling up to his head, holding him closer as they continued to kiss. 

Their lovemaking was instinctive now, they were beyond coherent thought as the kisses grew more fervid and gasps and sighs filled the room. Bruce slipped Jan’s shirt up over his stomach, placing open, moist kisses on the bare skin revealed, feeling like he wanted to worship every inch of Jan as the slender man lay back trying to keep from moving and writhing beneath Bruce’s ministrations. Bruce felt his belly trembling beneath his lips and he raised the shirt higher inch by inch, kissing and tasting the smooth flesh as he did. Finally he pulled the shirt off over Jan’s head and Jan took that opportunity to seize him and shower his face and neck with kisses, sweeping aside Bruce’s long straight hair for better access. His tongue found Bruce’s ear lobe and circled around it, dipping inside teasingly then moving to nip at a spot behind the ear that made Bruce moan and throw his head back.

Jan tugged Bruce’s shirt off impatiently, his fingers eager to comb through the soft straight hair of his chest followed by his mouth, slow enough to be teasing and tantalizing even though it was becoming more difficult for them both to hold back. When Jan’s teeth found Bruce’s nipple and nipped lightly Bruce couldn’t take it any longer. He quickly found the snap to Jan’s jeans and undid it,   
lowering the zipper even as he caught Jan in another deep kiss. Jan’s fingers slipped beneath the back of Bruce’s jeans, the fingertips trapped beneath the fabric but he got the message across and Bruce temporarily gave up on Jan’s zipper to unzip and remove his own pants. As he did that he saw Jan remove his own pants until they were finally bare, skin of bare skin, erotic and exhilarating. 

Bruce moved his body over Jan, not yet ready to go further but seemingly unable to help himself. Their groins came into contact, bringing a gasp from Jan and he moved sensuously beneath Bruce, seeking more contact. Unable to wait any longer, Bruce moved down Jan, hands sliding along the smooth skin followed by quick kisses until he found his goal. At the first touch of his tongue Jan’s entire body twitched and without warning Bruce lowered his mouth over him, taking him in entirely. 

Jan could be loud during sex and Bruce found it amazingly hot, Jan’s soft moans and sharp gasps were now mumbled words. Bruce felt a brief reminder that this was caused their latest rift but that moment was fleeting and Bruce was able to discern his name among the sighs and murmurs. Jan was shaky with arousal, Bruce felt his thighs tremble beneath his hands, and as much as he would have loved doing this for hours he knew neither of them could last long. 

Jan was tugging at his hair ” Bruce…., Brucie, don’t make me wait,” His legs were moving restlessly and Bruce couldn’t resist any longer. He moved back up his lover’s body and felt Jan thrust the tube of gel into his hand. 

“Now, Bruce, please…..now.”

Bruce made short work of preparing Jan and within a minute or two they were joined. Looking down at Jan’s face Bruce had to stop, to hold still and simply admire this man. The strong jaw, chiseled chin, the long wavy hair spread across the pillow were perfection to him and he leaned for another deep kiss, feeling Jan invade his mouth hungrily as he started to move. They tried to draw it out, to make it last but it was no use, they were too keyed up. Jan came first with a low, high sound that tipped Bruce over the edge right behind him. They rode out the aftershocks before Bruce fell to lay exhausted at the blonde’s side. Jan’s face was glistening with perspiration combined with his emotional tears and Bruce kissed them away gently. That was only the first time they made love that night; it was nearly dawn before they fell asleep at last.

Work the next day found both men drained and tired, but in a pleasantly euphoric way. By the time they arrived at rehearsal their lack of sleep had them going on will power alone but when he started playing Jan became animated, dancing and twirling as the music possessed him. Neither of them noticed how Dave’s eyes kept drifting to Janick and how Adrian’s eyes drifted to Dave throughout the night, though Steve did have to remind them all to pay attention several times. Steve was steadfastly determined to whip this band into shape much like a sports coach would whip his team into shape and he drove them relentlessly to make up for the previous night’s abbreviated session . Bruce chafed under that kind of doggedness but he gritted his teeth and sang, repeating the same song several times until everyone was satisfied before moving on to another. Even though he was still learning how to control and preserve his voice, Bruce was somewhat hoarse by the time they called it a night at almost midnight.

Bruce and Jan had a languid lovemaking that night, too tired to be very energetic, falling asleep with their naked bodies curled together. Over the next several days the band began to show marked progress, their playing noticeably becoming tighter and smoother and Bruce’s throat showed less strain. Though unschooled in anything concerning music and singing, he was learning to instinctively adapt to the different keys and variations in the songs. The covers they had chosen were mastered over the weekend but the original numbers were still fairly raw and undergoing constant polishing. Jan, Steve, and to some extent Nicko did the bulk of that while Bruce worked with Adrian on the vocals, as Ade was to provide background vocals on a few of the songs. Dave divided his time between the tasks though he was seen more often with the songwriters. 

 

Chapter Fourteen 

 

They were down to less than a week before the first gig and even Steve had to concede that they were sounding more and more professional with every practice. Bruce had been too busy to resume his physical therapy so he found a different physician to examine his shoulder and sign the release for him to return to his old position at the warehouse,. He was glad to be back, especially since he was once again working with Dave and Adrian who he now considered friends. He was back to taking lunch with them but on his first day he found that it was only Adrian there.

“Hey, mate,” Bruce sank to the seat next to Ade, “Where is Dave, isn’t he taking lunch?”

“He sometimes goes out during lunch hour, he has been for the past couple of weeks,” H told him. “The boss isn’t happy about it, sometimes he’s late getting back. He even had his pay docked for it on our last payday.” Then Ade turned and looked at Bruce. “I thought you knew that, though. He’s been going to the music store to work with Jan on his playing.”

Bruce had not known that, Janick hadn’t mentioned it. Or had he said something in passing and Bruce missed it? He wasn’t sure, and he wasn’t sure he liked that. To his surprise, Ade’s next words echoed his thoughts.

“It’s kind of odd, Dave is as good a guitarist as any of us. He doesn’t need the extra tutoring. If I didn’t know any better….” He seemed to catch himself and didn’t finish the sentence.

Bruce thought he knew what Ade had been going to say but he wanted to hear it said aloud. “What were you going to say, H?”

Adrian looked uncomfortable,. “Nothing. I suppose Dave just wants to be sure he’s ready to play in public.”

Bruce kept a knowing gaze on Ade for several seconds until the other man broke down, “Okay, I admit I think it’s kind of suspicious. Not that Janick is helping him, that’s what friends do. But as for Dave’s motivation….. I’m not sure.”

Bruce was strangely relieved to learn he wasn’t the only one who found something strange. “Is Dave gay?” He’d been wondering and thought he may as well ask outright.

Adrian looked even more uncomfortable, as though he wished he could sink through the floor. “Umm… I think he’s bi.”

“You think? Aren’t you two old friends, I’d have thought you would know for sure.”

Adrian shook his head. “We both grew up here and were friends in school but Dave moved away after that. He only moved back a year or two ago and when we found that we both worked here we decided to share a flat. But we don’t really talk about personal things like that. I only know that I used to see him dating both guys and girls in school.”

Bruce didn’t know what to make of this information. The strong jealousy and possessiveness he felt for Jan was closing in on him. Strangely enough, though, he knew Janick wasn’t doing anything surreptitious. But Janick was unworldly in many ways. He had been almost a hermit when Bruce met him, living only for his volunteer work and his music. It could be that Dave fancied him and he wouldn’t even be aware of it.

Bruce didn’t realize he’d been sitting lost in thought until several minutes had passed and Ade spoke again, “Dave knows Jan is with you. I wouldn’t worry about anything.”

Bruce had a sudden insight, reading behind Adrian’s words. “But you’re worried, aren’t you?”

Ade looked dumbfounded; he’d thought he’d been successful in hiding his thoughts. He stared at Bruce in astonishment, “Why do you say that?” It was all he could think to say.

Bruce shrugged. Truthfully he wasn’t sure why, but Adrian’s reaction told him he was right. He took a bite of the candy bar he was eating and let Ade think, he was obviously struggling to find words. After a while he turned his chair to face Bruce. “All right, since you guessed it I may as well admit it. I… I fancy Dave myself.” His voice was almost inaudible at the end of that sentence but Bruce heard him. “I always have, even back in school. I’m straight, or I think of myself as straight; Dave is the only man I’ve ever been interested in. He doesn’t know, of course, but I can see he is interested in Jan as more than a friend. Not,” he hurried to add, “that Jan would ever act on it.”

“Yeah, I know he wouldn’t.” Bruce was struggling with the jealousy that was still eating at him but underneath he was certain that Jan was completely committed to him. His worry was that since he was unaware of Dave’s interest, Janick might be inadvertently leading him on. He couldn’t find it in himself to be angry with Dave; how could anyone fail to be attracted to Janick? But was it possible that eventually Jan would return Dave’s interest? If he learned how Dave felt, would the insecurities he was now getting past sway him? Bruce couldn’t be sure. It wouldn’t be deliberate, Bruce knew that, but Jan had gone years feeling he was deserving of Gerard’s callous behavior and if he learned that yet another man besides Bruce desired him he could possibly be overcome by the compliment. Jan was not gullible, but he was human.

 

Bruce was so preoccupied that he didn’t realize lunchtime was over until Adrian stood. “Hey, mate, I wouldn’t make too much of it if I were you. And maybe Dave will stop going to him for tutoring soon, especially if the gig goes over well..”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t help you,” Bruce pointed out, standing to leave the room with Ade.

Ade just gave a weak attempt at a laugh, “That doesn’t matter, I’m not expecting anything to come of my stupid infatuation.”

They were walking back down the long aisle toward their work area but Bruce wasn’t ready to drop the subject. “It won’t if you don’t let him know how you feel!”

“I couldn’t do that.” There was finality and a kind of resignation in Adrian’s voice.

“Why not?!”

Ade just shook his head and climbed into his forklift, “I couldn’t. But hey, Bruce, this conversation is just between us, right?”

“I’m not going to say anything.” Bruce assured him and walked away, going back to the orders he’d been sorting.

Dave was in the break room with Adrian during the afternoon break and when Bruce saw that they were the only two in the room he didn’t enter. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was uneasy around Dave or if he just felt he shouldn’t intrude. He was sure Adrian wouldn’t make his interest known to Dave but he hoped would at least consider it. He could understand Ade’s reluctance, especially since he considered himself straight. The idea of admitting his interest to another man would be daunting, especially when it was an old friend. He couldn’t decide if he wanted Ade to be honest with Dave because he felt everyone deserved to find someone like he found Jan, or because he wanted Dave to be involved with someone to take his focus off Jan.

Jan and Bruce were late getting to rehearsal that night. Jan had to stop at his Mum’s to fix a leaking faucet for her and Bruce joined him there so they could ride to the rehearsal building together. When they arrived they could hear the music even through the thick cement walls and Bruce had to admit they sounded good. Steve gave them a dirty look, they hadn’t told him they would be late, but Bruce ignored it. Jan left Bruce’s side to join the other guitarists, his hand lingering in Bruce’s as long as possible, then Bruce joined Steve. They worked on the vocals that night and by the end of the evening Bruce felt as ready as he would ever be for the following Saturday’s show. As always, Jan was hyped when they left and fairly tingling with adrenaline. 

 

His conversation with Ade had been simmering in the back of Bruce’s mind all day so as they rode home he tentatively brought it up, “How is Dave coming along?”

“He’s good, very talented. He seems to feel he still needs my help but he doesn’t, not really. It has to be inconvenient for him to come by the shop every day.”

This told Bruce that Jan hadn’t been deliberately hiding the fact that he’d been tutoring Dave, which he found reassuring. He had been trying to tell himself he didn’t need reassurance but there was always the nagging jealousy. He looked over at Jan. He was so good looking, so sexy. Just looking at him made Bruce’s blood heat up, and when Jan turned and caught him looking he smiled, making Bruce’s heart fill to bursting. There were other passengers nearby so he mouthed ‘I love you’, and saw Jan smile, feeling him press his leg against Bruce’s in response. It was one of those evenings when they didn’t make it to the bedroom, they ended up making love on the couch then moving to the bedroom only to do it again. Bruce felt he could never get enough.

 

 

Chapter Fifteen

 

  
Saturday was upon them. The gig was in York, a town nearly an hour away and Jan and Nicko were excited, eager to get back on stage with a band again. Steve was driving, he had borrowed a large van from his in-laws because between the six of them they had quite a bit of equipment to transport. Dave and Adrian sat in front with him but the other three had to find seats amongst the gear and hope they didn’t get pulled over by police as there were no safety restraints or even seats back there. Bruce caught Jan’s excitement and listened as Jan and Nicko traded stories of different venues in the area where they had played. He looked up front from time to time and saw that Adrian was trying to calm Dave, who was still nervous. He had his arm around his friend’s shoulders and was talking quietly with him and during the drive Dave visibly relaxed. 

The club surprised Bruce. He had no idea what to expect and he half expected to find it was one of the dingy rundown pubs like the ones where he used to sing for drinks and handouts. Instead, it was an upscale club catering to people in their twenties, some from the nearby university. This, Bruce learned, was the place Jan had been taking classes when the rest of White Spirit had moved to London but Jan was obviously not troubled by the reminder to that time in his life. They had to set up their own gear, Steve and Jan had given them all a rudimentary crash course on tying everything in to a sound board and adjusting to the particular environment, room size, noise level and such. There was a raised stage and plenty of room, and at the moment a DJ was playing requests from the crowd. And there was a considerable crowd, it was a popular club on a Saturday night. The room was spacious but still every table was filled.

There was no formal introduction. An employee of the club simply came out onto the stage at just after eight o’clock and announced

“Everyone, we have a new band for you tonight. Iron Maiden!” and he stepped offstage. Nicko gave a count on his drumsticks and they began to play. Bruce hadn’t been exactly nervous, just unsure what to expect, but one verse into the song he felt completely at ease. Between songs he found himself slipping into the banter he’d gotten by on for so long when busking and begging, it was second nature to him even though he hadn’t done anything of the kind in months. By the time they finished the first set they all knew it was going well. They took a half hour break, grabbing beers for themselves and finding places to stand near the stage, but several people came over to talk to them. No one had heard of them, of course, and as Steve and Nicko’s former bands weren’t from the area people seemed surprised by how polished their sound was. A couple of people recognized Janick from being in White Spirit, the band had played quite often in town, but they only said they were glad to see another band of that caliber play there.

The break was almost over when three or four girls came over and tried chatting them up, blatantly flirting. As soon as they realized Steve was married and uninterested they concentrated on the others and Bruce was glad to get back on the stage. He had never considered that girls would swarm around them, though he should have because he knew there were a certain type of girl always drawn to musicians. Jan had been polite to them, he was unfailingly polite to everyone, but a couple of the girls seemed to take it as encouragement and he felt a twinge of jealousy even though he knew how ridiculous it was.

The second set went even better than the first. Even more people arrived as it grew later in the night, and since there were no available seats several took places standing by the stage. Bruce engaged with the audience, slipping into the role of frontman easily, although he had to put forth a real effort to focus on the crowd and not on Janick. Janick was in his element and Bruce saw that, as energetic as his lover was during rehearsals and just jamming, it was nothing compared to the dynamo he became in front of an audience. He twirled, he jumped, he spun around and ran across the stage, completely caught up in the music yet he never missed a note. Adrian stayed close by Dave offering moral support, and throughout the evening Dave looked to his friend and was reassured by a smile. He and Ade also got caught up in the music as did Steve. The music was heavy rock, some would consider it progressive metal, and had a rather complex bass line but Steve’s fingers danced across the strings effortlessly. The crowd fed on the incredible energy of the band and at the end of the set some of them called for more. They hadn’t practiced anything for an encore but Steve unexpectedly launched into one of the songs he and Bruce had written and were still making adjustments to. They had only practiced it through a few times and it was a little rough around the edges but the audience seemed to like it.

The club management gave the band access to a small back room with a couch and a few chairs where they retreated after leaving the stage They were still high on adrenaline, loud and raucous and giving one another high fives and in his enthusiasm Ade grabbed Dave in a hug. Even Steve was excited, it had gone over even better than he had hoped. Bruce looked at Janick, his eyes were shining and he was moving about restlessly back and forth across the room, he couldn’t be still. He looked over and caught Bruce’s eye and gave him a huge smile so Bruce went over and gave him a quick hug. They usually tried to restrain from and public displays of affection but this was a special occasion.

Steve was in the doorway talking with the club manager and when the other man left he came into the room and clapped his hands once for attention.

“We’ve been asked back again next week, if we want the gig.” he announced without preamble.

”Hell yeah, we want it!” Nicko exclaimed, and Ade and Dave, still standing close, nodded.

“How about you blokes?” Steve turned to Bruce and Janick.

Bruce only had to think for a moment. They weren’t each getting paid very much for the nights work because of having to split the money six ways, but it had been fun; it had been more fun than he anticipated. He looked at Jan and Jan gave an almost imperceptible nod.

“We’re in.” Bruce said.

 

The ride home was charged with excitement and high spirits. They had all had a few beers, though Steve as the driver had only two. They sat in the same arrangement as before but now Nicko was sitting behind the front seat talking with the others, leaving Bruce and Jan in the back by themselves. Bruce took the opportunity and pulled Jan to him for a kiss.

“You were so hot out there tonight!” he breathed in Jan’s ear. “I wanted to go over and grab you right on stage!”

Jan laughed but scooted close the Bruce’s side, “I probably wouldn’t have stopped you!” Her leaned his head on Bruce’s shoulder and after a minute spoke again. 

“This band is going to take up most of our free time and I can’t foresee any way of returning to my work at the shelter. I know they need help down there and it makes me feel kind of guilty that I’d rather do this.”

Bruce reached up and stroked Jan’s silky hair back, “I can understand that, but playing music is what you were meant to do. It’s what you were born for.”

Jan looked up, his face shadowy in the dim light. “And you were born to sing! You were incredible out there tonight. The way you joked with the crowd between numbers and the forceful, aggressive way you commanded the stage blew me away. You’re a natural.”

Bruce felt a little embarrassed by the praise, “Thanks, love. We all worked together very well. I was expecting to feel held back by Steve, he’s such a stickler for detail, but he got as crazy on stage as the rest of us.”

“And did you see how well Davey did?” Jan pointed out. “The way he was smiling and at ease? Ade’s being there helped him a lot, I know.”

“And you helped him a lot.” Bruce had to add. He had noticed the rapport between the two other guitarists, though. Even now they were sitting scrunched together in the seat and Ade’s arm was casually across Dave’s shoulder. Only Bruce knew that, on Adrian’s part at least, it was more than a casual gesture of friendship. 

Bruce could tell that Jan was chafing at having to sit in the van for the long ride home, his body fairly vibrated with repressed energy. Almost without giving it conscious thought he found his hand creeping up Jan’s jean-clad leg. Jan was sitting with his head tipped back against the side of the van but as Bruce’s hand crept higher he lifted his head, opened his eyes, and looked at Bruce. The look in his eyes was unmistakable even in the near darkness and he made no move to stop Bruce so, encouraged, his hand slid all the way up to brush against Jan’s balls. Jan’s breath caught but he didn’t move and his eyes remained locked on Bruce. Another small movement of his hand told Bruce that Jan was already aroused and he felt his own body respond to that knowledge. Then he jumped slightly as he felt Jan’s long fingers on him.

‘We can’t do this’ Bruce told himself. The others were mere feet away, though engaged in lively conversation. Steve had recorded the performance on his mobile phone and was playing it back through the van’s radio and they were discussing it, debating what they could improve on and what they were pleased with. Even as he told himself he should stop, his palm cupped Jan and the other man stretched his legs out, spreading them slightly. His own hand lay on Bruce’s groin, applying slight pressure and he bit back a groan.

Jan sighed, leaning on Bruce’s shoulder and Bruce felt his fingers teasing at his zipper. This was going too far, he knew that, but he felt as though he couldn’t stop. Jan’s movements were subtle and he inched the zipper down slowly until Bruce’s now rigid member was exposed. Jan looked up at him, smiled, and quickly ducked down. When Bruce felt the warm, moist mouth on him he nearly cried out loud and put his hand in his mouth to stifle any sound he might make. He couldn’t reach Jan’s crotch now so he contented himself with stroking and combing his fingers through his hair as Jan began to move on him. 

Bruce kept glancing toward the front of the van, reassuring himself that the others were still oblivious of what they were doing, but a small part of him found the possibility of being caught thrilling. Semi-public sex wasn’t new to him; in addition to making out in doorways after they left a pub and the time on the bus with Jan, he’d had several encounters in alleys and bathrooms in his wandering years. This was different, though. These people were his friends and he knew it would be disastrous if they were caught, yet he made no move to stop Jan. After a minute or two all thoughts of stopping him vanished completely as Jan’s talented mouth and tongue stepped up a few notches and he felt the first telltale twinges of an orgasm.

“So what do you blokes thing, Bruce? Janick?” Steve asked suddenly, and Bruce froze. He knew the other man couldn’t see back to where they were but his heart still jumped into his throat and he had no idea what the man was talking about. Jan’s movements stilled, though he stayed where he was, his mouth still on Bruce.

“I’m sorry…” Bruce managed to say after a moment. “We were dozing off, I didn’t hear what you were saying.”

“Ah, well, never mind. We’ll go over it all at rehearsal Monday night.” Steve said dismissively, turning his attention back to the playback. Ade and Dave were packed into the seat too tightly to look back but Nicko glanced back over his shoulder. Bruce hoped to heaven that the drummer couldn’t see in the dark.

A minute later Bruce felt Jan stifle a laugh around him, the vibration bringing back his flagging hard-on, and his movements picked up again. Such was Jan’s talent at this particular act that in spite of the interruption Bruce reached an explosive orgasm within a few more minutes, biting down on his own hand to keep from making a sound.

Even then Jan lingered, cleaning him and kissing him before raising back up, a sneaky smile on his face. Bruce started to chuckle, he couldn’t help it. “We’re even now, mate! Just wait until I get you home!”

Bruce made good on that threat, or promise as Jan saw it, though they had to help unload the equipment from the van so Steve could return it the next morning and didn’t make it to their bed until after three in the morning.

 

Chapter Sixteen

 

Over the following week Steve worked on the rehearsal schedule. They were to practice three nights a week but the rest of their time was their own. That week Bruce received notice that he was to testify in court against Turk. He knew this was coming and he dreaded it, but it had to be done. His long held aversion to the law still made him uneasy about the whole thing. 

 

Bruce was still feeling anxious when he met with Inspector Gregory at the court on the appointed day to go through the details but the Inspector explained that this was really a mere formality. Turks action at his arrest were enough to convict him, not only had he drawn a weapon on the police, at least six policemen had seen him stab Bruce. Once they were inside the courtroom Bruce’s part of the entire matter took less than five minutes but he and the Inspector stayed until the sentence was handed down. Turk was convicted of a long list of crimes, the evidence against him was overwhelming and Bruce’s testimony was invaluable. Bruce was pleased to hear that he was convicted of two of the murders he’d been accused of and one was that of Gerard Graham. Some of his accomplices had testified against him in return for a lighter sentence and one had actually been with him when he stabbed Gerard in a rage after learning Gerard had used some of the drugs he was supposed to sell for himself.

Bruce had the day off work to attend the hearing and he chose to walk home from the court, declining the Inspectors offer of a lift. He knew Janick would be home by the time he arrived and would want to hear how the hearing went. There had never been any doubt that Turk would be convicted but now that it was an actuality he hoped it would close the door on the issue of Gerard’s death for Jan. It was a long walk from the courthouse to the flat and he was in a reflective mood, lost in thought. Thinking of Janick, thinking of the band and remembering where he had been one year ago. He’d been in Manchester, washing dishes in a pub for a few weeks until he grew tired of the tedium of it. He vaguely remembered a girl but he couldn’t remember her name. He couldn’t even remember her face, the only face he could see in his mind was Janick’s. Four months. It had only been four months since he and Janick had been together, there had been some rough patches but it had been worth it just for one of Jan’s kisses, even just one of his smiles. Janick was at the stove when Bruce walked in but he turned the burner off and came over to him. He didn’t say anything, but Bruce smiled.

“Life in prison.” is all he said. Janick smiled, then gave Bruce a hug. 

“Good!” Bruce didn’t miss the look of relief on Jan’s face. “Let’s celebrate!” Jan had been working on a steak dinner and they topped it off with a glass of wine, something they rarely drank, both preferring beer. Their spirits were high, they felt optimistic about life, about the band and about their relationship and carried on the festive mood through the evening. When the wine was gone they switched to beer, laughing and joking but there was a heavy undercurrent of flirting that was growing stronger through the night. Their evenings home were often like this and when Bruce felt a twinge of guilt over Janick no longer doing his volunteer work he had to remind himself that Jan clearly loved these evenings. The evenings inevitably ended in the bedroom and though sometimes the lovemaking was urgent and fervid they were just as often tender and dreamlike.

That weekend’s gig was an even bigger success than the first. The club manager informed them that there had been several phone calls through the week asking when the ‘new band’ would be back. The crowd was wildly enthusiastic and it was obvious that many came strictly to see the band, gathering around the stage even before the set began. Once again there were girls flirting with them but this time when a gaggle of them approached them Bruce boldly took Janick’s hand, showing in no uncertain terms that he was quite happy with the company he had.

Unfortunately the girls weren’t the only ones to witness this. As they were loading the gear after the show Steve quietly took Bruce and Janick aside out of earshot of the others.

“Look, mates, I know you two are….involved but d’you think you could be a little less obvious about it? It looks bad.”

Bruce bristled. “Why should it look bad? We are spoken for and we’re not going to pretend otherwise. We don’t have any more interest in these birds than you have!”

Steve sighed, “Listen, I know that being gay isn’t a big deal anymore but you know I’m not comfortable with it and I’m not the only one. It could damage us as a band before we even get started.”

“Then maybe you should play up to the girls yourself!” Bruce suggested defiantly. There had been several girls giving Steve the eye over the course of the night.

“Are you mad!? I’m a happily married man!” Steve was indignant.

“And we aren’t married yet, but it doesn’t make any difference! The others can do what they like, I see Nicko’s found a girl,” he nooded to where the drummer was chatting up a petite brunette, “but Jan and I aren’t going to pretend we’re interested if we aren’t."

Steve sensed that this conversation was going nowhere, “I’m not suggesting you take every girl into the loo and shag them! Just… “ he made an obvious attempt to calm himself, “just try to be discreet, okay?”

He strode off stiffly before they could reply and Bruce turned to Jan, ready to grumble further about their leader’s attitude when he found the blonde looking at him with an odd expression.

“What’s wrong? Don’t let him get to you, love. If he doesn’t like us being together he can get stuffed!”

Jan shook his head, “No, it’s not that….. “ he was about to say more when the other two guitarists called them over to help arrange the equipment securely in the van. Telling himself he wasn’t doing it to appease, Bruce nevertheless agreed to Ade’s suggestion that they switch seats this time. Nicko accepted a ride with the brunette so Jan and Bruce rode in the front, leaving Adrian and Dave to the back of the van He fleetingly hoped that the two of them would be up to the same shenanigans back there that he and Jan had been the previous week, though he knew it was highly unlikely. Jan and Steve went over the playback of the show and Bruce contributed a few thoughts but mostly listened and learned more about the intricacies of the music.

They arrived home somewhat earlier than before because they didn’t have to unload the gear, Steve had worked out an arrangement with his father-in-law to use the van indefinitely. It wasn’t until they were in their own flat that Bruce was reminded of their earlier interrupted conversation. Jan was sitting in the sofa looking at him with the same look that he’d had earlier when he brought him a beer.

“You’re looking at me like I’ve sprouted horns or something!” he teased him, sitting next to him.

Jan seemed to snap out of it, “Hmm? Oh, well knowing you, you could have sprouted horns and a tail as well!” he joked back.

“Are you saying I’m a devil?” Bruce laughed, putting his arm around Jan and pulling him close. “I can live up to that, if that’s what you want!” he leaned in and nipped lightly at Jan’s neck. “But seriously, you were looking at me funny earlier and were going to say something but we were interrupted. What’s going on in that beautiful blonde head of yours?”

Jan looked straight into his eyes, his lips trying not to smile. “You don’t know what you said, do you? When you were talking to Steve?”

“He was starting to piss me off. Maybe I said something without thinking.”

 

“You did!” Jan was grinning openly now, “You said you and I aren’t married yet. Brucie, you said ‘Yet’!”

Bruce’s eyes widened, he suddenly remembered he had said that. “I… I didn’t mean to say that out loud!” he finally confessed.

Jan laughed softly then, “Are you telling me you’ve been thinking that?”

“Well… maybe I have.” Bruce sort of mumbled, then hurried to cover his ass “I know it’s much too soon, we haven’t been together long enough for me to be thinking like that…” He felt abashed, he’d completely put his foot in his mouth. Of course he’d been thinking about spending his life with Jan but the last think he wanted was for Jan to think he was rushing him.

Jan didn’t speak but was still looking at him smiling when he looked back up. ”We have talked about it, you know.”

Grateful that Jan wasn't upset about him blurting out something so personal, Bruce managed a smile. “We’ve never mentioned marriage. Even though it’s perfectly legal now I have no idea how you would feel about something like that. I’m sorry I let it slip like that.” 

“Why are you apologizing?” Jan laughed a little. “Do you think I don’t think about things like that too?”

Bruce was taken aback. “You do?”

“Of course I do, Brucie! It’s my favorite thing to daydream about!”

“It is?” Bruce knew he sounded ridiculous but his mind was having trouble accepting that the crazy ideas he’d been having weren’t so crazy to Jan. “You mean you think about things like having a house of our own, growing older together, maybe even….even adopting children?” These thoughts were so alien to anything Bruce believed he would ever consider he’d half thought he was crazy for thinking them.

“Brucie, I don’t care that we’ve only been together a few months. You know me better than anyone. What do you think I want out of life?”

It was a serious question, Bruce realized. Jan looked at him levelly, waiting for him to think about his reply.

“I guess I thought you expect us to go on like we are now. Maybe make the band successful, maybe get enough money ahead to get a bigger flat or even a car.” He finally admitted. "I've had my fantasies but I've never seriously thought about anything past that."

Jan shook his head slightly without breaking eye contact. “I’d like us to get a bit more money, sure, and I love playing with the band, but those aren’t the most important things to me. You’re the most important thing in my life. I catch myself daydreaming about things too. About us maybe getting a little house together somewhere one day. We want the same things, Brucie!”

Bruce knew he was staring but he was speechless. At that moment it all seemed real, like it could actually happen someday. "Do you think we can ever have these things, Jan?" he finally asked, his voice low and almost fearful.

"I know we can! I know you're right, that we shouldn't be thinking like this so soon after getting together, but I can't help it!"

"I can't either, but I thought I must be losing my mind!" he turned to face Jan fully, taking his lovers hands in his own. "Does this mean you will marry me, Jan?"

Jan tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile, "Are you asking me to?"

"Yes, you idiot, I'm proposing to you!" Bruce squeezed Jan's hands, laughing nervously. "We don't have to do it right away, we can be.... engaged."

"I think of us that way already." Jan admitted softly. "If you want an official answer then yes, I will marry you."

Bruce felt a rush of powerful emotion as he looked at Jan, then he leaned to kiss him. The two of them went to bed then but rather than making love right away they lay wrapped in each other’s arms talking, sharing daydreams, planning for a future they were finally daring to envision together. They both knew they would be foolish to marry before they had some money saved. When they gray light of dawn was showing around the curtains they made love then fell asleep exhausted but elated over this step in their lives together. 

 

Chapter Seventeen

Now that he was working a five day week Bruce got paid on Fridays but since he went to rehearsal straight after work he hadn’t had a chance to cash his paycheck. During the first break on Monday he ran into Ade and Dave in the break room and mentioned he would be nipping out at lunchtime to visit the bank. Then he asked something that made them both stare at him.

“Do either of you blokes know of a jewelry store that isn’t too expensive?”

Dave recovered from his surprise first. “Why, are you thinking of wearing gold chains onstage now?” he teased.

Bruce laughed at the mental picture of that, “Hardly! No, I want to buy Janick a surprise. We…we kind of got engaged.”

“Kind of?” Ade asked with a grin. Dave merely looked at him with something akin to shock.

“Okay, all right, we are engaged, okay?” Bruce admitted, a bit embarrassed. “I want to make it official with a ring or something but I don’t have a lot of money.”

”Aren’t you moving kind of fast?” Dave finally spoke up. Bruce suddenly remember his suspicions that Dave was interested in Jan but he knew that it was best Dave understand right now that Jan would never return that interest. Still, Bruce tried to be sensitive of Dave’s feelings.

“We’re not going to get married right away, obviously. And yeah, we’ve only been together a few months but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change how we feel.”

“But do you even know how you feel?” Dave asked.

Before Bruce could reply, Adrian spoke up. “Sometimes people know how they feel right away. And sometimes people can know one another for years and never know how the other one feels.”

Bruce knew Ade was referring to himself and his feelings for Dave. Though they had known one another since they were kids, Dave was apparently clueless to Ade’s feelings for him. Something in Ade’s voice made Dave look at him curiously and even from across the table Bruce saw their eyes lock. Dave didn’t say any more and break was soon over but as they left the room Bruce saw Dave looking at Ade with an unreadable expression on his face.

To leave the warehouse over lunch one needed approval of the supervisor but once he’d obtained that Bruce wasted no time. He quickly walked to a bank a few blocks away then headed for the shopping complex on the edge of the industrial area. He didn’t have much time but if he wanted to do this today he had to do it now as there was a rehearsal that night and he would be meeting Jan there directly after work.

There were two jewelry stores in the mall but Bruce went to the closest one. There were only a few men’s rings in his price range but he saw what he wanted almost immediately. There was a display of signet rings with initials emblazoned on them, they were intended as modestly priced gifts for occasions such as graduations, but they were available with every letter of the alphabet. Bruce had to guess at Jan’s ring size but he quickly bought what he wanted and made it back to work only a few minutes late. The supervisor scowled at him but didn’t reprimand him. Bruce was proving himself to be a valuable employee, never shirking his work and willing to do the most physically taxing jobs without complaint.

Bruce was surprised to find that he and Jan were the first to arrive at the garage aside from Steve. Ade and Dave had their own vehicle so they usually arrived first whereas both Jan and Bruce had to contend with public transportation. Steve was scribbling something in a notepad when they walked in and he looked up.

“Well, you’re here but where are the others? I have some news but I want to wait until everyone is here.”

Nicko arrived a minute later but they had to wait nearly half an hour before Adrian and Dave came in, both looking somewhat flustered and distracted.

“Finally!” Steve exclaimed, “C’mon, gather around.” 

When everyone formed a sort of semicircle around him he looked at them individually. 

“I got a call today from Johnny. He’s heard good reviews from the club where we’ve been playing and he offered to manage the band. I told him I would talk to you all about it and he wanted me to make it clear that he’s only interested in promoting us locally. If any of you feel that would be limiting us or restricting us, you should make it known and we’ll discuss it.” Steve took a seat on the couch and the others took seats nearby. 

He continued. “Just so there’s no mistake, I want to let you all know I am only interested in our staying in the northeast. I’ve had my time in a big London band and I’ve had enough of that scene. I’m married now, I have three little daughters and I don't want to be away from home more than a night or two. But we need to all be in agreement on this, so I want to hear how you all feel.”

Nicko spoke up first. “I’m like you, Harry.” He’d given Steve the nickname Harry after his last name, “I’ve been in bands touring the whole country, even touring the continent a time or two. I’m not married or anything like that but I’m happy to just play local gigs now that I’ve got a job.” Steve had given Nicko a job at the pub.

Jan and Bruce exchanged a look. They knew instinctively that they both felt the same way about this. “Being in a band is a lot more fun than I thought it would be,” Bruce said, “and I want to continue improving my singing, but I have no interest in being a rock star. If we have fun and make a little extra money that’s all I ask.”

“I’m not interested in being a rock star either,” Jan added, smiling across at Bruce. “I just want to play music.”

They all turned to Adrian and Dave who had taken seats at the end of the couch, sitting somewhat close though there was plenty of room. The two of them were leaning together talking quietly, then Adrian looked up.

“We’re cool with just staying with this area, at least until we have more experience.”

“And that will be quite some time,” Dave added, “and maybe we’ll be happy here indefinitely. It depends on how …. other things go.” Dave was a man who always had a smile on his face but his smile now had a different quality to it, a secretive quality that didn’t escape Bruce’s sharp eye.

“Right, then,” Steve slapped his hands on his knees with finality. “I’ll call Johnny back in the morning and make it clear where we stand. If he’s still willing to manage us, I’ll agree to it. Now let’s get to work on that song we used for an encore last week, the one Bruce and Janick wrote. I think we were a little sloppy on the solos.”

The bands rehearsals were taking on a more organized professionalism that Jan and Nicko slipped easily into but was more of a struggle for the others. Bruce’s very nature rebelled against anything rigid and formalized but he was learning to adapt to it, knowing it was all for the good of the band. He wanted the band to be a success and bring in more money and he genuinely enjoyed singing but this night he was somewhat distracted by a small box that was burning a hole in his jacket pocket. All he knew about giving someone an engagement ring was what he’d seen in the media over the years but he did know there had to be a right time and place for it. He was thankful that Steve seemed to have forgotten his concerns over revealing their relationship to the public; in fact tonight he seemed to be more focused on Adrian and Dave than on Bruce and Jan. 

Rehearsals went so well that Steve called an end to them fairly early and it wasn’t quite midnight when Jan and Bruce arrived back home. He and Janick had been discussing the progress of a new song they had been toying with on the way home though Bruce found himself touching Jan’s hand or lying his hand on his leg. He wondered if he would ever be able to watch Jan play guitar without it making him horny. He hoped not. 

As Bruce unlocked the door to their flat Jan made an observation. “I hope Dave and Ade can smooth out the bridge, though. They seemed a little off tonight.”

Bruce tossed his coat across the back of the kitchen chair, secreting the little box in the palm of his hand. “I noticed that. I wonder….” 

They each got a beer and sat on the couch. “Wonder what, Brucie?”

“Well… I promised Ade I wouldn’t say anything but I can’t keep anything from you.” Bruce slid closer to Jan and slid his arm around him. “Ade is interested in Dave.”

Jan raised his eyebrows “Interested? You mean, romantically? I didn’t know Ade likes blokes.”

“He doesn’t, except for Davey. He only told me because he was afraid Dave was interested in you.”

Bruce said that half-jokingly but Jan didn’t laugh along with him. “I hope he lets him know, then.” he said thoughtfully. 

Bruce was silent for a moment. “I wish them the best, though. Everyone deserves to have what we have,” he pulled Jan closer to him as he leaned back on the couch.

Jan lay against him, his head on Bruce’s shoulder. “No one can have what we have, Brucie. No one else could have the feelings I have about you.”

“Want to bet? I feel it for you, you know. Jan…?”

Jan looked up at him, the clear gray eyes only inches away, “Yeah?”

Bruce looked at him, losing himself for a moment in those eyes, “I want to know if you’ll wear this.” He opened his hand. A bright gold signet ring emblazoned with a stylized letter ‘B’ lay in his palm. Then he turned over his other hand and revealed a matching ring on his finger, only his had the letter ‘J’.

Jan sat upright, looking with near disbelief at the ring intended for him. “How…where did you get this?” he finally asked.

“I bought them at lunch today. We’re bonded, Jan. Bonded for life, married or not. I wanted something to symbolize that.”

Jan almost hesitantly took the ring from Bruce’s palm and slipped it on his right ring finger. “It fits! Bruce,” he looked back at Bruce and his eyes were bright with unshed tears, “this means a lot to me. More than I can say. I’ll never take it off!” He leaned and kissed Bruce softly but Bruce pulled him closer, his hand cupping Jan’s head and his fingers threaded in his hair holding him close even after the kiss ended.

“Let’s go to bed.” Jan suggested, his lips near Bruce’s ear, then he traced his tongue around the earlobe.

“Mmm, yes!” Bruce stood, pulling Jan up by the hand. He’d been watching Jan all evening, watching him play his Strat or watching him just sit and noodle with the other guitarists during lulls in the rehearsals, and though he was getting better at restraining himself until they got home, they were home now and he wanted him, he wanted him very badly. 

 

Chapter Eighteen

 

Bruce felt indulgent, he loved to pamper Jan and he felt an uncontrollable need to please him, even spoil him. Sex with Janick was so different from anything Bruce had ever known, he’d never imagined that the kind of mental and psychological bond that existed between them was even possible. He didn’t know if everyone in love felt this way or if it was unique to the two of them but a euphoric feeling came over him whenever he and Jan lay together exchanging soft, loving kisses and gentle touches. As badly as he desired Jan, Bruce made the blonde lie back while he slowly undressed him.

Janick wasn’t good at holding still when he was aroused. He wriggled and shifted around on the mattress, his hands restlessly touching Bruce in any way he could reach until Bruce reached up and took them both, placing them on Jan’s stomach and holding them down with one hand while he worked on unfastening his jeans with his other hand, not an easy task one-handed. He finally got the button undone and caught the zipper tab in this teeth, slowly pulling it down. Jan wore skimpy underwear when he wore any at all and tonight he was wearing bright blue nylon briefs that did absolutely nothing to hide how excited he was. Bruce mouthed him through the fabric, breathing warm air on his erection and making him gasp and moan aloud. Jan was a moaner, something Bruce loved. Bruce looked up to see Jan leaning back on the pillows watching him with undisguised lust in his eyes, his lips slightly parted to reveal the small gap in his front teeth. Bruce took the nylon fabric in his teeth and grinned up at him, hearing his breath catch as he moved his hips. Bruce let go of his hands to hold his hips down as he peeled down the jeans, tossing them away but leaving the briefs on. There was something seriously sexy about seeing Jan’s erection straining against the flimsy material and he returned to it, again mouthing him through the fabric and relishing the scent and taste of him. Looking up and locking eyes with Jan again Bruce took the fabric in his teeth and tugged them down until the tip of Jan was revealed. Jan was struggling not to move but was emitting gasps and groans of frustration, physically jerking as Bruce teased him with his tongue.

“Oh God, Brucie,” he moaned, “ why must you tease me like this! It’s driving me insane!”

“That’s the idea!” Bruce murmured, nuzzling into the sparse downy hair and nipping at it as well. He was impatient too but felt compelled to go slow, pulling the briefs all the way off and tossing them aside. Jan’s legs were fidgeting and Bruce felt him tremble as he returned to his treasure, tantalizing Jan with the very tip of his tongue just to hear the sounds he was making. He gave Jan’s entire groin meticulous attention, paying particular attention to his balls which he knew was something Jan loved. He had yet to take him into his mouth but Jan was mumbling encouragements and he knew he couldn’t hold out any longer. He placed a long swipe of his tongue up the underside then engulfed him completely, causing Jan to cry out and his hips to jerk spasmodically. He couldn’t hold his hands still any longer, he tangled his fingers in Bruce’s long hair and let out a long stream of mostly unintelligible words, Bruce’s name woven amongst them. 

Bruce got the sudden feeling that Jan wasn’t going to last but even as that thought crossed his mind Jan suddenly moved, tugging on Bruce’s hair until he let him go, then swiftly moving out from beneath him and flipping him on his back almost before Bruce knew what was happening. 

“Now it’s my turn,” Jan nearly growled. Bruce’s shirt was off but he was still wearing his jeans and Jan nearly ripped the rivet loose, jerking down the zipper and sliding the denim over his hips impatiently. Then Jan was straddling Bruce’s hips and leaning over him attacking his chest with zeal, hungrily nipping and sucking the skin, mouthing the nipples and moving down. He didn’t tease as Bruce had, he was nearly forceful as his fingers clamped on Bruce’s hips and he went straight for the gold, taking Bruce in so suddenly Bruce let out an involuntary cry.

Janick was good; he was very, very good and Bruce’s senses were so heightened he felt every move of Jan’s tongue and lips, feeling himself spiraling toward orgasm and powerless to hold back. Then Jan let him go, climbing back up to catch him in an ardent kiss.

“I want to fuck you, Brucie! “ Jan murmured against his lips breathlessly, “will you let me fuck you?”

“God, yes!” Bruce gasped. At that point he was beyond coherent thought and the idea of doing what they had only done one other time sent a jolt of pure electricity though him. Jan almost always lost control but never before to this point and Bruce found it incredibly erotic. Forceful Jan was rarely seen but when he was Bruce found it a powerful turn-on.

Jan returned to Bruce’s erection then but he’d retrieved the gel from the bed stand and as he worked on Bruce with his mouth his fingers prepared him so that within minutes they were joined. Bruce felt as though he was watching from outside himself as Jan became more and more forceful the more aroused he became, lifting Bruce’s legs with his arms and thrusting faster, harder, until Bruce could stand it more. He detonated like TNT, an orgasm so intense he felt he was surely going out of his mind ripping through him even as he saw Jan throw his head back with a loud moan and climax within him.

 

Bruce felt he must have blacked out briefly because the next thing he was aware of was Jan’s trembling body damp with perspiration lying across his chest. He knew his own hand was shaking as he reached up and pushed the tangled hair back and placed a kiss to Jan’s head. It was a few minutes before Jan regained the energy to move off Bruce and when he did Bruce immediately wrapped his arms around him tight.

“God, Janick,” he breathed, “where did that come from? That was incredible!”

Jan giggled, still breathless. “Yes it was. I guess I got a little carried away.”

Bruce moved to give him a burning kiss, “I hope you get carried away more often!”

The next day was only Thursday but as Louise was going to visit a relative over the weekend the two of them were to go to her house for their usual weekly dinner. They came straight home from work but Bruce noticed Jan seemed increasingly preoccupied as they changed and got ready to leave the flat.

“What’s wrong, love? You’re a million miles away.”

Jan looked up blankly, then smiled. “Oh…yeah, I guess I am. I was just wondering if I should tell Mum that we’re engaged.”

That hadn’t occurred to Bruce. It was true Louise liked him but was she ready to see her son plan to marry another man? “That’s up to you, I guess. I won’t mention it if you don’t want me to.”

Jan merely shook his head, “No, we’ve got to tell her. I’m not sure how to go about it, we’ll just have to see how it goes.”

Dinner at Louise’s was always a comfortable, warm experience and Bruce felt completely at home there. He felt a part of the family and he realized early on that it was a feeling he’d missed more than he ever realized. The three of them kept up a lively chatter over the meal about everything from current events to the details of Jan’s music. After dinner they helped Louise clean up and load the dishwasher then went to sit around the living room as was their usual habit. Louise was discussing an event at her church that she was helping raise funds for but Bruce noticed Jan was quiet and seemed almost nervous.

His mother noticed it too. “Is everything all right, Janick? You’re unusually quiet tonight.” Usually Jan was chatting freely by this time.

“Yeah, Mum. Everything is great. It’s…wonderful, actually.” He was sitting with Bruce on the sofa facing the recliner where Louise sat and he moved closer to Bruce, taking his hand. “We have something to tell you. We… “ he took a breath. “we’re engaged.”

Louise looked at them blankly for a moment, as though she had forgotten same-sex marriages were now legal, then she looked from one of them to the other, her face unreadable. Bruce could feel Jan’s tenseness at his side.

“Oh,” Louise finally said, making a visible effort to gather her thoughts. “when did this happen?”

“Bruce proposed on Thursday,” Jan said, still gripping Bruce’s hand, then he turned their hands to where the matching rings were visible. 

Louise was still somewhat stunned. “You boys have only known one another a short time.” She finally said.

Bruce anticipated she would make that point, and it was a valid one. He spoke up.

“That’s true, but we’ve been through a lot in that short time and it’s only brought us closer. I…. I hope we have your blessing, Louise.” Truth to be told, he was a little hesitant himself. He wanted her approval almost as much as Janick did.

Louise smiled then, “Of course you have my blessing! Janick is a level headed boy… man, and I know you are too, Bruce. The idea of two men marrying is still pretty strange to me, I’ll admit, but I know how strongly you two feel about one another.” She reached out and laid a hand on each of their knees. “I wish you both all the happiness in the world. You know that.”

Jan’s relief was obvious and he smiled, “As long as we’re together we’ll be happy, Mum.”

The atmosphere relaxed then and the three of them went on to discuss how there were no definite wedding plans as yet and for Louise to admire their rings.

“They weren’t very expensive, I’m afraid,” Bruce admitted a little apologetically. “Only 10 k gold, but the wedding bands will be the best money can buy, I promise you that!”

“Brucie, I don’t care about that!” Jan protested.

“Well, I do. You’re worth the best.” Buying a quality wedding ring was one of the motivations for Bruce in hoping the band could line up all the gigs they could possibly manage.

The rest of the evening was devoted to Bruce helping Jan do some minor household chores for Louise, carrying some heavy boxes to her garage for storage and moving her refrigerator so she could sweep beneath it. As they were leaving the house Louise followed them to the door.

“Boys,” she reached up and cupped each of their faces with a hand, “I’m genuinely happy for you both. Bruce, I already consider you family but now you actually are.” She leaned up to kiss his cheek. “I have another son, and I couldn’t ask for a finer one!”

Chapter Nineteen

 

Friday was a rehearsal night for the band and Bruce and Jan met at the bus stop down the block from the rehearsal building, Bruce’s bus having arrived fifteen minutes before Jan’s. Usually when they approached the building they could hear faint strains of music, more vibrations than anything, but this night it was silent. They entered and immediately felt tension in the room.

Everyone else was already there but they weren’t sitting with their instruments as usual. Instead they were gathered around the sofa and when they turned to look at them their expressions ran the gamut of nervousness to tension to thinly veiled rancor. They took seats cross legged on the floor facing the couch.

“What’s going on here?” Bruce asked bluntly. He looked from one to the other of them. Steve looked closed off, humming with some pent up emotion, and he didn’t reply for a moment.

“I think this may be the end for the band.” He finally said.

“What?! Why?” Jan exclaimed.

Steve stared at Ade and Dave, his face openly hostile now. “Why don’t you two tell them, since this is all on your heads.”

Dave almost flinched at Steve’s words but Adrian appeared defiant. “Steve just learned that Davey and I are….are together. A couple. For some insane reason he thinks it’s impossible to have a band with two same-sex couples in it.”

“That’s just stupid, Steve!” Bruce was immediately livid. “What possible difference does that make?!” He looked at Ade and Dave and noticed they were holding hands. “I think it’s wonderful, you two! Congratulations!”

“I think it’s wonderful too!” Jan chimed in, then he turned to Steve. “A band is about the music, Steve. You know that. Our personal lives have nothing to do with it!”

“Bollocks!” Steve said. “You’ve never been in a successful band, Janick, not one as popular as the one I was with in London. You don’t know how cutthroat it is. Booking agents and promoters will drop us without ever hearing our music once they find out we’re a bunch of…. of..”

“Faggots? Is that what you were going to say, Steve?” Bruce got to his feet, his whole stance combative. “If you feel that way then it seems you should be the one to get out of the band. We’re not breaking up the band. It’s out of the question.”

Steve got to his feet too. “It’s my band, Bruce! We’re together because I got us together and if I want to disband us, I will.”

“Then we’ll go on without you!” Bruce took a step toward him.

“None of you know the first fucking thing about this business!”

To everyone’s surprise Jan stood and spoke up, “Actually, that isn’t true. I know a bit and Nicko knows a bit. Nicko, you haven’t said anything. How do you feel about this?”

Nicko was clearly uncomfortable that the spotlight was now on him. “I… I have to agree with Bruce, Harry. I know you may fire me from the pub for saying this but I’m not willing to give up on this band.”

Steve looked around him. “Right, now you’re making me out to be the bad guy here! All right, go ahead on your own! This business will chew you up and spit you out within six months!”

“Wait a minute,” Janick said, moderating his voice to a reasonable tone. “Sit down Steve, Bruce. All this anger will get us nowhere. Come on, we can work this out.”

Bruce hesitated, then sat. Steve seemed to realize he was standing alone and after a minute he reluctantly sat down too.

Jan sat too and addressed Steve. “Steve, I can understand how you feel. Your first thought is for the band, but there’s something beneath this. You’re an intelligent and reasonable man, I can’t believe you’re simply homophobic.”

Davey spoke for the first time. “Jan’s right, Steve. For one thing, we’re not gay. I think all four of us would be considered bisexual. But our sexuality should be the least of your concern, unless you have some legitimate reason for your animosity against us.” 

They all fell silent, looking at Steve. He was sitting at the edge of the chair with his head bowed, looking down at his hands clasped between his knees. He was quiet for a long time, then when he spoke his voice was barely audible.

“When I was six years old,” he said, “I was molested.” He looked up then trauma evident in his expression. “It was my uncle, who we all knew was gay. I… I know the fact that he was gay has nothing to do with him being a pedophile, but I just can’t seem to separate the two in my mind.”

Shock was in everyone’s eyes, they were all obviously stunned.

“I’m sorry.” Jan said at last, his voice soft and empathetic. “That shouldn’t happen to anyone, and I’m truly sorry it happened to you. Have you ever sought counseling about it?”

Steve shook his head, looking down once again. “I don’t think I could talk about it to anyone. You guys are the first people I’ve ever told.”

“I can understand that,” Jan continued, “but I think it would help to talk about it. It’s obviously been festering in your mind.”

Steve shook his head. “I know you’re trying to help,” he said, “but you can’t know what it’s like.”

“I know what it’s like.” Bruce said unexpectedly. “It happened to me too. I was older, I was fourteen so maybe it wasn’t quite as bad, but it was bad enough that I ran away. I never talked about it either, until I met Jan. But after I talked to him about it I felt better, I felt like I could get past it and learn to trust people again. It’s poison if you keep it inside.”

After a long minute Steve nodded and looked up. “I know you’re right but,” he shuddered visibly, “I’m not sure I can. I don’t even want to remember it.”

“Maybe you could talk to your wife?” Dave suggested gently. “Maybe it would bring you even closer to her.”

Steve didn’t reply for a few minutes. “Maybe,” he finally said. “I suppose my telling you all is a start.” He looked at Ade and Dave, then at Jan and Bruce. “I owe you blokes an apology. You’re nothing like the… the monster that…” he drew a breath, unable to finish that sentence. “Your four are no different from me except that you’re in love with another man. I don’t want to end the band, you know that. Certainly not over my own personal demons.”

“Then we’ll move past this.” Jan said. “And now that you’ve started to talk about it I think you’ll find it easier to face.”

Bruce was watching Jan, his heart bursting with love. He knew Jan had taken psychology classes but it was more than that. He was a natural mediator; his compassion and empathy were innate to him and every time Bruce was reminded of that he fell even more deeply in love with him.

Nicko spoke up after another minute. “Can we get on with rehearsals, then? I need to get my timing on the opening number better, it’s tricky.”

Steve nodded, glad to get back to band business, and he and Nicko went to work on the rhythms while the guitarists and Bruce focused on synchronizing their own parts. Before they broke up for the evening, though, Steve called them together.

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but I’ve been talking with Johnny. He wants to manage us and he understands that we only want to be a regional band. He’s coming to the gig tomorrow night and we’ll discuss it all with him then.”

As they unplugged and shut down the equipment Bruce found his way to Adrian’s side. “How did you do it, mate?”

Ade looked puzzled, “Do what?”

“Tell Davey how you felt about him! You refused to even consider it when we talked before.”

Ade laughed a little, winding up his lead cord, “Actually, I didn’t. He did!”

“What!? Really?” Bruce was incredulous.

Ade had to grin, “It happened the night after you told us you and Janick got engaged. He was all on edge and I finally got frustrated with him so after we got home I asked him what the hell crawled up his ass.”

“Go on,” Bruce grinned. He wanted to hear this story.

“He got angry with me and told me he thought you two were mad for jumping into an engagement so soon. I asked him why he had a problem with that and… well, I accused him of wanting to take Janick away from you.”

Ade glanced over to where Dave was putting his guitar into it’s case and smiled. “He really got angry then and lost his cool, he blurted out that everyone had someone and yet he couldn’t have who he wanted. I asked him if he wanted Janick and he shouted out ‘No, you ass, I want you!’!”

Bruce burst into laughter, “And you never had a clue?!”

Adrian shook his head, grinning to himself. “Not a clue. I must have looked shocked after he said that because he realized what he’d said and turned beet red and tried to leave the room. I grabbed his arm and said, ‘I want you too, you ass!’”

Bruce chuckled, “At least you didn’t slip up and say you wanted his ass!”

“No,” Adrian had to laugh then, “but after rehearsals that night, I got it!”

Bruce bent over in laughter then but inwardly he was thrilled for the two of them.

On their way home Bruce recounted that conversation to Janick and Janick, too, had to laugh but he squeezed Bruce’s hand. “I think it’s a sweet story, really. I’m glad they finally figured it out.” Janick knew nothing would come of his mentioning the time Dave had kissed him. He understood that he was just a second choice, that Dave had really wanted Adrian but believed he could never have him.

The gig went well. After only three shows it seemed the band was attracting a following. Part of it, they knew, was that there were few good, solid metal bands in the area but they also knew they were becoming more and more polished with each show. Steve was largely responsible for that, he was a driven musician and insisted on perfection but the others knew it was for the good of the band so they listened to him. This night, though, he seemed a bit more reachable. A bit less of a boss and more of a friend, and Bruce hoped it was because he had decided to unburden himself of his childhood trauma, either to his wife or to a counselor. They all respected his privacy too much to bring the subject up but there was a sense of trust and a kind of bonding in the band after Steve had made his confession that hadn’t been present before.

They were in the clubs back room immediately after the gig, spirits high and adrenaline still pumping, when Johnny entered the room. The only two present who didn’t know him were Adrian and Dave so introductions were quickly made and Johnny got right down to business.

“Guys, you’re good. For a new band you’re remarkably professional and this is only partly due to three of you having been in bands before. There’s a tightness to your sound, it’s unusual because you take on complex numbers without reservation and you pull it off flawlessly. I don’t know how much Steve has told you but I want to manage your band.” He held up a hand as though to forestall protests. “I know you don’t have any grandiose ambitions and that’s just as well because all I’m in a position to help you with are bookings in this area. I know most of the club owners and a few festival promoters and I know I can get you steady work, at least one and probably two gigs every weekend. All I ask for myself is a small percentage to offset the time I’ll be investing in you, no more than 5% of anything you bring in.”

He fell silent and looked around at them. “Um…Steve told me that some of you are in relationships within the band. That doesn’t bother me at all as long as you keep your private lives completely out of band business. But,” he held up a finger, “if these relationships interfere with the band in any way I’ll be forced to release you from our deal. Is that clear?” 

They all understood Johnny’s position. His concerns were legitimate ones and they knew that their letting their personal business overlap with band business would be devastating to the band as a whole. After they stood mulling over Johnny’s proposal for a few seconds Nicko spoke up.

“I’m in, guys.”

“You all know I’m in” Steve added. Everyone looked to Bruce and Janick. They exchanged a look and Bruce spoke up. “We can personally guarantee that our relationship will not get in the way of the band. We’re in, too.”

Five sets of eyes looked to Adrian and Dave who stood close together. Ade looked at Dave who met his gaze squarely and gave a slight nod. “We give the same guarantee.” Ade said at last. “We are in.”

“Then, gentlemen” Johnny announced, “we have ourselves a deal.”

 

Epilogue

 

Janick stepped back after placing a star atop the Christmas tree and looked at Bruce who sat watching from the couch. Their new flat was much larger and they not only had room for a full sized Christmas tree they also had a fireplace which was now burning brightly. 

“How does it look, Brucie? Is it straight?”

“It looks perfect.” Bruce smiled, holding out a wineglass he had just filled to Janick. “Come and relax.”

Jan happily joined him on the couch, nestling easily into Bruce’s encircling arm and slipping an arm around his chest. The only light in the room was the glow of the fire and the twinkling lights from the tree and Jan looked at Bruce to find him looking at him.

“What?” he smiled.

Bruce just shrugged slightly. “It just amazes me sometimes. One year ago I was homeless and alone and look at us now.”

“Mmm,” Jan made a comfortable sound and moved in closer, “you’re the best Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten!”

“No, I got the gift that night,” Bruce pressed a kiss to the top of Jan’s head. “Happy Anniversary, love.”

“Happy Anniversary and Happy Christmas, Brucie.” Jan smiled.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ END ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
